SO many wonderful things are happening in my life right now.

I am so grateful it feels like my heart might explode some days.

These wonderful things have not come into my life by accident– I have worked damn hard to get to where I am right now.

I am not lucky.  I am certainly blessed.  But this did not happen by ‘chance.’

I remember when everything felt hopeless, when I felt lost, confused and didn’t have much hope (or any at all) to go on.  I thought I would just die.

I know what it’s like to not feel like to know what is going to happen.  Or to believe that this is the way that it’s always going to be.

I know there was a strong dominant voice (the eating disorder voice) that would tell me that I would always need it, I would never be free, and I’m not worthy or deserving of it anyways, so why even try.

I heard that voice for a long time, most of my life in fact.

But then slowly over time I began to tune into another voice.  A smaller, quieter, more gentle voice.

The voice that recognized that something was VERY WRONG.

This voice that acknowledged that I really needed help, that I really WANTED to get better, I just didn’t know HOW.

This voice — as quiet as it may seem sometimes– is the voice of your True Authentic Self.

This is the part of you that is underneath the eating disorder.

I was doing a private coaching session with a woman yesterday and we were talking about how the eating disorder feels so much like a shell or a mask that we put on, that encloses and covers up who you really are on the inside.

It feels difficult and many women have described this to me as feeling fake, pretending to be something you’re not, as having to TRY to be a certain way, and feeling like a FRAUD.  The eating disorder becomes your SHELL– what protects and keeps you safe from the world and prevents you from getting hurt.

Do you feel this way?

Like you’re acting and if people knew what you REALLY thought, then…what would happen???  Maybe they wouldn’t like you or they would reject you or abandon you and hurt you.

So you don’t say it.  You don’t express your true feelings.  You hold it inside and stuff it down and numb it out with the eating disorder and other dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

So the eating disorder becomes a way to HIDE who we truly are, because deep down inside we don’t feel like we are ENOUGH.

At some point in your life, whether unconsciously or consciously, you realized that who you were and what you felt were UNACCEPTABLE.  To your parents, to your friends, to your teachers, peers or siblings.

Something happened when it was suddenly not okay to be yourself.

So you abandoned yourself.

You lost who you truly were.

You stuffed that true self down and created an image, a shell, a mask on the outside– that became the person that wanted to gain approval and acceptance from the outside.

You became the person and did the things that you believed everyone else wanted you to be and do… and you sacrificed your happiness, your true self, your confidence and trust in yourself.

And the eating disorder knew that you were vulnerable enough — and swooped in with the opportunity to make it all ‘better.’

It didn’t start on purpose.

We didn’t WANT to have a debilitating eating disorder.

All we wanted was to be HAPPY.

All we wanted was to be liked and loved and accepted.

We wanted to like and love ourselves but we didn’t know how.

We had good intentions.

However, it didn’t turn out that way, because somewhere along the way it ‘switched.’

It switched and turned into something that we DID– into something that we COULDN’T STOP DOING– even when we tried.

The point when all the SHIT HIT THE FAN.

The point when you realize– OMG I am OUT OF CONTROL.

I don’t have this shit under control like I thought I did.

You try to stop and you can’t.

That’s when you know you have a serious problem.

There are some people that will continue to struggle who will deny this outright, who will deny that they even have a problem and believe they are still in control of it– and that’s totally fine.  If this is you — GOOD LUCK!  Come back again when you hit rock bottom and are so fucking miserable that you finally surrender and get down on your knees praying for someone to take it away because it has gotten so bad.

But to all of you who know this and understand this with all your heart– who really and honestly have a pure and honest desire to HEAL and RECOVER 100%– this message is for you.

There is a point that you reach in your recovery when you have to start to realize– I am NOT able to control the EATING DISORDER PROGRAM– the set of habitual and obsessive thoughts/beliefs/actions that get triggered in your life when X happens.  X = a feeling, a thought, a circumstance, experience or it could even just be a time of day or a relationship.

Recovery doesn’t mean that you won’t hear the Eating Disorder Voice when this program gets activated within you.

Recovery means that you understand you CANNOT CONTROL THE VOICE from coming up. <— this is why they say in 12 step programs, “We are powerless over our eating disorder.”  This is true– we are powerless over the fact that the eating disorder is there and will come up, as it is a part of our “programming.”

HOWEVER— there is only one thing that you CAN control and it is is…

The only thing you CAN CONTROL is if you choose to REACT from a place of fear (using the old eating disorder program) 

OR 

you can choose to RESPOND coming from a place of LOVE for yourself.

Make sense?

Recovery means that you still HEAR the voice– but you have the CHOICE whether or not you are going to ACT on it or not.

Very simply, THIS IS THE KEY TO FREEDOM.

You may not see how something so SIMPLE can be so important.

The key is that YOU HAVE A CHOICE NOW.

Once you wake up and are aware of this eating disorder program that is active in your life, you can now claim your ability to CHOOSE.

When you become aware of the eating disorder voice and the eating disorder pattern that keeps showing up in your life, and you can identify the voice and separate yourself from it… then you are able to CHOOSE to do something different.

What does this mean, practically speaking?

It means that when you hear the voice of the eating disorder telling you to “restrict your food, don’t eat breakfast because you binged last night and you don’t deserve to eat yet because you are a fat pig…”  that instead of REACTING OUT OF FEAR and listening to that voice, you consciously CHOOSE to RESPOND from a place of LOVE for yourself.

You CHOOSE to eat breakfast anyways as an act of self love for yourself and you also journal about it afterwards and write out a Conversation with the Eating Disorder Voice because you know that’s the best way to help you DIS-IDENTIFY with that voice.

It means that you stay aware of how you are feeling throughout the day, and when you’re feeling sad or lonely instead of REACTING OUT OF FEAR and binging and purging to “feel better,” you CHOOSE to RESPOND from a place of LOVE for yourself by allowing yourself to just CRY and FEEL your feelings.

It means that when you notice yourself getting angry that instead of REACTING OUT OF FEAR and restricting your food because the eating disorder says it would “feel better” to not eat, that you CHOOSE to RESPOND from a place of LOVE for yourself by finding healthy ways to express that anger, such as yelling in your room, punching some pillows, taking a brisk walk, or assertively and authentically expressing your true feelings to a loved one or the person that you are having the issue with.

It means that when you find yourself getting bored, that instead of REACTING OUT OF FEAR and either going to the food to eat make you “feel better” or restricting and obsessing about calorie intake or exercise or diet plans that will never make you happy, that YOU MAKE THE CHOICE to RESPOND from a place of LOVE for yourself by finding other ways to use your energy.  You might find doing creative art projects make you feel really good, or reading a book, or connecting with friends, or journaling about the REAL reason you’re bored and don’t know what to do with yourself, because it’s hard to just BE with yourself.

These are all CHOICES that we make.

These are all things that are in your control.

Every act in recovery MUST BE an ACT OF SELF LOVE for yourself.

Otherwise it won’t work.

It won’t stick.

You won’t feel good doing it, and it won’t be an enjoyable process.

When it doesn’t work and it doesn’t feel good to you, I promise you it will always lead to relapse.

So how can you begin to look at your recovery in this way?

How can you muster up the courage to begin to make the CHOICE to take care of yourself and take those acts of self love for yourself, even when it’s tough?  Even when all you hear is the eating disorder voice screaming in your head?

This is the process of Re-Programming yourself for FREEDOM.

This is the process of creating new neural pathways in your brain.

I believe and know with all my heart that it is possible for ANYONE to change their old habits of thinking/believing/acting and completely and totally break free.

I have seen some pretty hopeless cases go on to break free and fully recover.

Beyond all odds by simply using these principles outlined here today.

This isn’t rocket science, these are simply skills.

And remember– you get to CHOOSE.

Eventually what happens as you continue to CHOOSE that path of self-love and self-growth, as you continue to CHOOSE to LOVE yourself with every act in recovery you take, eventually the eating disorder voice will begin to get quieter.

It will get louder at first, yes, because you are directly challenging the eating disorder and it gets PISSED OFF, however the more you CHOOSE LOVE over and over and over again… it will get quieter and quieter over time.

And eventually, it will fall away.

I don’t HAVE those voices anymore.

I couldn’t even go back, EVEN IF I WANTED TO.

It’s not even in my consciousness anymore.

I re-programmed myself to believe in unconditional love, non-jugment and I don’t EVER criticize myself for ANYTHING.  EVER.

This is the way towards full recovery.

Making that loving choice, every single day, every single minute if you have to.

Over and over and over again until it becomes habit, until it becomes natural and normal and comfortable for you.

It is possible for you too, beautiful soul!!!!

What will you CHOOSE today?

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I love you so much!!!  Please post in the comments below what you think about this article and make sure to sign up to receive my Inspiring Recovery Workbook here!!!

Sending so much healing energy your way today and every day.

In light + love,