Last week when I was having a session with one of the women I was mentoring, she asked me a question that really made me think…

 

“How did you learn how to let others support you in your eating disorder recovery?”

 

It really took me back a second, because I suppose in recovery from eating disorders, we talk about “reaching out for support” but many women simply don’t know how to do this.

 

We consciously KNOW we need to reach out when we are feeling the urge to use the eating disorder, but we DON’T.

 

It’s too scary, it’s too awkward, we feel like a burden, like we’re weak, we don’t want to be dependent on anyone, and we definitely don’t want to feel vulnerable and open.

 

Well my darling, someone very wise once said, “You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.” (It was Einstein by the way).

 

What does “reaching out for support” mean exactly?  How can you learn to let others in to support you?

 

Are you willing to be vulnerable and try something new that can make a HUGE difference in your recovery from bulimia, or anorexia, or binge eating, etc.?

 

When I began learning how to let others in and help support me in my eating disorder recovery is really when the recovery began to “take hold” and my eating disorder voice became softer and softer until it was finally silenced for good.

 

How To Reach Out For Support

 

1. Identify at least 1 person that you can go to for support, ideally 1 to 3 people that you know you can trust.

 

This does not include your therapist.  Yes, definitely use your therapist or counselor to delve deeper into your self and learn more about how you can continue to grow and learn in your appointments, but your therapist is not there on a daily basis for you to call or talk to at a moment’s notice when you need support.

 

My main support person in my recovery was my husband.  I also had many others that were supporting me, but in my time of need, he was the one to be there to answer the call and help me when I most needed it.

 

You too need to figure out who you can enlist to help support you in your recovery.  It may be a spouse, boyfriend, partner, friend, family member, mentor, or coach.  Make sure that you can trust them and make sure that it is someone that you know can be available to help you.

 

You might have more than one person, or two or three or four, it really doesn’t matter how many people you have for support – all that matters is that you enlist this support and actually use it.

 

If you don’t have anyone for support, you can get a free mentor at MentorCONNECT or find a knowledgeable coach or mentor who has been through recovery and who knows how to help and support you in your recovery from your eating disorder.  You can hire me as your recovery coach as well and you will find all of the information about my coaching program here.

 

Identify at least one person who you can reach out to when you are feeling the urge to engage in the eating disorder behaviors and you are in need of support.

 

2. Have a conversation with your support person (people) and communicate exactly what you need from them.

 

For me, my husband became my main support person, but I had to have a conversation with him to tell him exactly how to support me and in what ways and what I needed him to do.

 

He knew when we met that I had an eating disorder.  However, he thought I had gained full abstinence from the behaviors, which in fact I had not.  I had relapsed back into the eating disorder behaviors shortly after meeting him and was struggling with the ED alone, without talking about or telling him what I was going through.

 

The hardest thing was to tell him that I was struggling with the ED again.  I had to tell him that I was binging and purging and that I needed help.

 

Oh my gosh was that the most difficult thing in the world to do!!!!  He was actually very upset and even hurt that I was keeping this “secret” from him for so long.  But he loved me and understood that all I was doing was seeking the support and love that I needed in order to recover fully.

 

If you haven’t told anyone that you are struggling with an eating disorder, this is the time to do it.  You need to talk about it!! 

 

You need to tell your support person (or people) that you have an eating disorder, and that you have been binging and purging, starving, binging, overexercising, abusing laxatives, whatever it is – you need to tell your support people about what you’ve been going through – mentally, physically, emotionally.

 

Tell them exactly HOW YOU FEEL!!!

 

Communicate with them that you are ready to seek support and you are reaching out because you cannot do this alone.

 

It’s true!  You are not alone in your “dis-ease” and you truly cannot recover by yourself.

 

ED will always win if you are alone in your head with him all the time!

 

You need to let others in to help silence the ED voice and begin to have a logical, rational conversation about what’s REALLY going on.

 

If your support person already knows that you are struggling with an eating disorder, then great.  You want to have a conversation with them and tell them that you are asking for their support.

 

This part is very important because even though someone may know that you have an eating disorder, they probably don’t know how to help and support you.

 

I know my family didn’t know anything about eating disorders and when I first told them about it, they didn’t know how to help me.  They didn’t know how to handle it and deal with it.

 

Much later in my recovery I did have to tell them how they needed to support me.  It’s as simple as that.  It’s called learning how to be assertive!

 

Tell your support person exactly what you need from them.  It might sound something like this:

“I know you might not understand.  I know you might not know what to say, all I ask is that you just listen.  All I need from you is to be there and listen to me talk about how I feel.  I think the reason I use the eating disorder behaviors is because I am stuffing down my feelings and numbing out.  It has become such a destructive habit it is my natural reaction now.  I am learning new coping skills and I want to fully recover from my eating disorder.  All I ask is that you be there to listen and help me get through the hard times by talking about how I’m feeling when all I want to do is binge and purge.  It would be really helpful if I could call or text you when I’m having an urge to engage in the eating disorder behaviors.  Would you be willing to be one of my main support people in my recovery?”

 

If you have chosen the right person, they will say yes.  If anyone would say no to you, it’s because they have their own “stuff” they are trying to deal with, and don’t have the capacity or ability to support you in an emotional way right now.  Try not to take it personally, just move on (they probably wouldn’t have been a good support person anyways).

 

You should also communicate the things that they shouldn’t do and let them know if there’s anything specific that triggers you.

 

For example, you might not like them to comment on your weight, or talk about calories and fat count around you.  I mentored a woman whose mother was on a diet and was constantly talking about her weight, food, and the calorie count around her constantly.  She finally had to say, “MOM!  Please DON’T talk about food-related or weight-related things when we are at dinner or even when I’m around.”

 

This step is to help you gain the foundation so that you essentially can “reach out for support” whenever the mood strikes.

 

Asking someone to be your support person is very important, but it is also important to communicate with them exactly what you need from them, what they should and should not do and how they should do it. 

 

3. Reach Out When You Need It

 

This is the hardest part, plain and simple. You actually have to reach out for support!  Easier said than done!

 

When you are feeling like binging or purging or skipping a meal or taking laxatives or any destructive eating disorder behavior, the first thing to do is *stop*.

 

Catch It * Challenge It * Change It

 

Take a few deep breaths and grab your phone to call or text your support person.  If they live close by or live with you, go find them.

 

Tell yourself that this is going to be hard but you know you can do it anyway. 

 

You will probably feel a lot of anxiety at this point, especially the first time you do it.  Feel the fear and do it anyway.  I promise, reaching out should help RELIEVE the anxiety.

 

You are not weak or vulnerable for reaching out at this point!  You are directly challenging the eating disorder voice and it might actually get louder at this point.

 

Let these thoughts pass, as they are not *you* and as long as you don’t identify with them, they have no power over you.

 

Remember, reaching out for support is a good thing and it is a valuable skill that you have to learn in your eating disorder recovery in order to overcome the eating disorder.

 

Make the connection to your support person instead of the eating disorder.

 

If for some reason you cannot get a hold of your support person, try another.

 

If all else fails, use a different coping method – try going for a walk, journaling, write out a conversation with your eating disorder, meditating, doing art, or any other activity that will help you relieve some of your stress and it’s something that you can enjoy doing.

 

You CAN do it.  The first time it is really really hard, but it does get easier.  You are so worth the effort it takes!!

 

You don’t have to know what to say, either.  All you have to do is *reach out* and just talk about what you are feeling.

 

Are you feeling anxious, panicky, overwhelmed, angry, sad, lonely, bored or depressed?  Talk about it.

 

When you talk about what you are feeling, the urge to want to use the eating disorder behaviors will dissipate.

 

Connect with your support person and allow yourself to develop a close and nurturing relationship.  Like Shannon Cutts, author of the book Beating Ana: How To Outsmart Your Eating Disorder And Take Your Life Back and founder of MentorCONNECT says, “Relationships Replace Eating Disorders.”

 

You might even just reach out for support to ask for a suggestion from your support person on what to do instead of engage in the eating disorder.  When the women I coach reach out to me in their time of need, I’m always asking them, ‘how do you feel’ and ‘what would feel good right now’ and ‘how can you relieve this feeling’? 

Reaching out for support is a helpful guidepost when you are unsure about what to do, and can give you some great direction when your head is not exactly thinking *clearly*!

 

You can do it!  Now, use this method and let me know how it’s going!

 

Who are your support people and how do you need them to support you? 

Reply using the comments below, I would love to know how this method is working for you in your eating disorder recovery!

As always, you deserve it and you too can achieve full recovery from all eating disorders!

 

Peace, Love + Freedom,