Fears.
We all have them. We don’t want to admit them. They creep in when we least expect them.
Is Fear Holding You Back In Your Recovery From Bulimia?
(or Anorexia, Binge Eating, Compulsive Overeating, EDNOS, etc.)
This is an interesting question to ask because I know there are so many fears associated with recovering from an eating disorder. When I was bulimic and anorexic and especially when I began treatment for bulimia, I was afraid of everything.
I was afraid of food. I was afraid of losing control. I was afraid of gaining weight. I was afraid I wasn’t perfect, afraid I wasn’t enough. I was afraid of making a mistake, afraid of being rejected, afraid of failing, but most of all I was afraid of being “found out.”
Now this is intriguing to me because just last week I was doing a bulimia recovery coaching session with an amazing woman, who after so many years still has not told anyone that she has been getting treatment for bulimia. Only her parents know about her recovery for bulimia, however, what they don’t know is that she’s still suffering with the eating disorder behaviors.
This is typical of many woman who suffer with eating disorder symptoms and even those in recovery from an eating disorder; they simply suffer in silence. On the outside they appear happy and may even be outgoing with many friends. But on the inside they are dying to be heard. Dying for someone to listen, for someone to hear them and understand. They are hiding who they truly are and are being controlled by the eating disorder itself. The controlling part is the eating disorder thoughts, the eating disorder voice, if you will, that takes over.
See at first we think we’ve found something amazing and the eating disorder symptoms are a secret of weight control and emotional control. It suppresses emotions, memories, and traumas which many women feel are overwhelming and too much to handle. And of course in our weight-obsessed society, woman are desperately striving to attain the “ideal body” or “perfect weight,” which is really an endless pursuit, because it will never make you happy.
The eating disorder symptoms – the binging, the purging, the restricting, the compulsive overeating, the overexercise, the food rituals – all serve as a distraction to what is really going on. We are afraid.
We are fearful on so many levels.
- We fear gaining weight.
- We fear we’ve eaten too much.
- We fear feelings and anxiety so we binge and purge, stuffing down the feelings and releasing them with the purge.
- We fear being alone so we turn to food, yet we fear letting people in emotionally.
- We fear emotions so we restrict and starve them away.
- With anorexia, we fear we’re taking up too much space. We fear growing up.
- With binge eating and compulsive overeating we fear getting close to people so we eat to gain weight. The extra weight acts as padding so we don’t have to feel close to others or let them in emotionally.
- We are fearful of letting go of the control that the eating disorder behaviors once gave us, and we fear admitting that we have a problem, for we fear that others might view us as flawed if we get treatment for bulimia or if we ask for help with eating disorder.
Fear plays a huge role in developing an eating disorder. Isn’t it ironic that fear also plays a huge role in recovering from bulimia, recovering from anorexia, or recovering from binge eating?
Fear is the block that holds us back from truly recovering from bulimia 100%!
We are fearful of failure, of success, of our power. Many women are deeply afraid to fail. We are perfectionists by nature; many women with eating disorder symptoms are overachievers and strive to be the best at whatever they do.
Maybe that’s why I was so good at the anorexia and bulimia disorder: I wanted to be the best at it (by the way, now I want to be the best at bulimia recovery 🙂
So I binged and I purged over and over again to calm the fears, to numb the pain. I restricted because – God forbid – I allow myself to indulge in the “forbidden” foods. I kept losing weight and chasing that happiness, that satisfaction that so many of us are trying to obtain by getting to that “ideal” weight. But I’ll tell you something, that satisfaction never comes no matter what weight you reach, and by the time you realize this it’s too late.
I’ve been friends with girls who literally were dying: they were only skin and bones and their organs were shutting down, yet they looked in the mirror and still said, “I feel fat” (fat is not a feeling). What is the fear here? Fear of life, fear of being yourself and doing all you can to run away and hide who you truly are under the mask of the eating disorder behaviors.
Why Is Fear So Scary?
So what did I fear the most in my recovery from bulimia? Being found out. As I write this blog post this fear is again coming up for me. Maybe that’s why I chose to write about fear as a block when recovering from an eating disorder. Even now years after being abstinent this fear still haunts me.
What am I so afraid of? Being rejected. Being ridiculed, having people think of me as “weak” because I couldn’t “control myself.” I fear that people will look at me different for having bulimia disorder. Still, years after treatment for bulimia and even after fully recovering from bulimia, I am still hiding this fact to the world.
Why is that? I guess it’s just another layer that I need to work on. Bulimia recovery is simply a journey where we continually keep learning and growing and peeling back the layers as they come up in our lives as challenges, no matter how “recovered” we are. Maybe my lesson here is to face the fear of other people’s opinions about me. I still fear rejection at some level, for its human nature to want to be accepted and loved. I am learning more about how to let go of what others think about me, accept myself for who I am, love myself no matter what, and forgive myself for [what I perceive to be] my failures, mistakes, and regrets.
One major change I have made in my recovery for bulimia is viewing the circumstances in my life differently, from a whole new perspective. Instead of asking myself, “why is is happening?” when something happens that I perceive to be “bad” or “negative,” I immediately ask myself, “what am I learning now?”
The universe has a grand plan for us all and each lesson comes to us in our lives packaged as circumstances and events, or people are also used to teach us things about ourselves. Because if we aren’t growing and learning, we are stuck, static, standing still. We will always be stuck in the vicious cycle of the bulimia disorder if we don’t face our fears!!! If we choose to ignore them and binge and purge and stuff them down or distract ourselves using other eating disorder symptoms and eating disorder behaviors then we don’t grow. We don’t learn and we certainly don’t face our fears.
Fear is really just…
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real.
Fear is only an illusion and it is best friends with the eating disorder behaviors because they both work to keep us trapped within the vicious bulimia disorder cycle.
Are you afraid of being vulnerable? Are you afraid of being successful? Are you afraid of allowing yourself to be happy? Are you afraid of failing in your bulimia recovery, and the eating disorder voice says, ‘why even bother to start treatment for bulimia because I know you’ll fail.’
The only way I grew in my recovery from bulimia was by facing my fears and doing exactly what is was that I was afraid of. Which is why I’m writing this post right now because I’m proving it to you that we need to face our fears to move past them and grow in our eating disorder recovery. To learn more about who you really are, and to understand that you are strong enough to face your fears. You are worth the effort. So for once, do what you are most afraid of. Feel the anxiety. Let the fear come up and once you do this you can allow the fear to pass. And trust me it will.
“This too shall pass.”
And next time it gets easier. So I’m facing my fear today by saying, yes world! I have been recovering from an eating disorder. I am a recovered anorexic, a recovered bulimic. And it was #*$%^!* hell. I have been through the darkness, through such depths of despair, and I’m so grateful that I got treatment for bulimia. That I didn’t give up learning how to recover from bulimia (if you don’t give up, you’ll never fail, right?!).
I emerged through the light a changed woman. A grateful woman. Grateful to have seen such struggle at such a young age, grateful to be alive today, healthy as can be. Grateful to have faced my fears and to have gotten through it alive. I’m stronger, more sensitive, and know myself much at a much deeper level by facing what I have been most afraid of. And so I challenge you to do the same:
What do you fear the most in your bulimia recovery?
What are some ways that you can take action and face your fears right now?
Peace, Love + Freedom,
I think I;m most afraid of is failure. Failure in school, failure to recover, failure at life. I;m afraid that my family will think that I’m weak, and that I’m trying to hurt them with my actions. I’m afraid of not being enough.
Angie,
Every fear you name here was once a fear of mine too, and even still today I have twinges of fear of failure at being a mom, fear of failing in my business, etc. But the difference for me now is that I don’t allow my fears to paralyze me and I’ve found that once I face them they aren’t as powerful anymore.
It’s pretty insightful of you to say you are afraid of “failure at life.” I know exactly what you mean!! It’s okay to be afraid to fail – the key is to never give up! If you don’t give up, you’ll never fail.
In what ways are you facing your fears?
I fear that if I told my family or friends, then they wouldn’t believe me or think it is all that bad. But I know this isn’t normal and I know its a problem. I want to recover but it is hard to do it on my own. I’ve failed manyyy times. I want to tell people so I can get help. But I’m terrified.
Hi Dana!
I feared that too…actually the first time I told my mom, she didn’t believe me! It hurt so bad, but eventually she came around. She was actually shocked and didn’t know what to say because she didn’t have a CLUE what I was going through, so it just challenged me to open up and share more about what I was going through with her, which helped her to understand a little bit. I know it is scary but it is a crucial part of recovery and the only way you can really get help is to talk about it! I was terrified too but think about the alternative – is it scarier to continue to suffer alone with the eating disorder or do you think you could choose 1 person to talk to, someone you love and trust and that you know would listen and be supportive? How would that feel?
Also, it might be helpful to write out what you want to say first, or even just write a letter to the person you choose to talk to first and give it to them. That way, you get your thoughts down on paper and gain clarity on what you want to say and I’ve found that for me, it takes some of the fear out of it. I shared a letter I used with my friends here: http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/recovery-for-bulimia-uncensored-the-letter/
You can do it, Dana! You are so worthy and deserving of letting your feelings out and sharing what you are going through with others so that you can get support and get help! Your life is waiting!!! Let me know what you think and if you have any questions.
Blessings,
Lauren
I have been bulimic for 3 years now. I was anorexic for 9, then I had binge eating disorder for 6 years and that turned into bulimia. I am 36 years old, and I feel defeated …I am scared, so scared of getting gravely ill. I am at a stage where I binge and purge once a day….usually in the nights when I feel lonely and bored. In an attempt to fight that urge, I googled bulimia recovery and I found your page….I am too broke to get therapy…I couldn’t go to college or anything because of my ED…I don’t have family support. But, I recently got into a relationship..and I so badly just want to get better…
Any advice would be cherished..
I admire you for recovering and being an inspiration to us all…..
I hope someday, I am able to bring a beacon of hope to other souls who suffer from this horrible mind state…
Love
Hi Preeti,
Wow, do I know that feeling…. The beginning is breaking the binge purge cycle. Do you wake up every day thinking ‘right no binge, today’….I know that feeling VERY well, it was my life for 7 years in fact.
You begin the day normally, good breakfast, good lunch (or nothing at all, or very limited depending on where your at) then as the day builds up, its like a build up in your mind and body. It gets too much, and before your aware of whats leading up, your finding that your in a ‘trance’ like state, maybe you consider something for dinner, something normal, but you know that’s a lie, you go into a shop, grab good food then every crazy food item that you binge and buy it and take it home and thus the binge begins, could be 20mins to hours of binging and purging, you eventually finish. Weak and exhausted you go to bed, your last thought before you fall asleep ‘it’ll be different tomorrow’…..sound about right? well that was typical me on a BAD BAD BAD day. Its better to prepare yourself on a day where you don’t have too much time to sit and think too much, thinking too much was my burden, it brought on anxiety, fear and uncomfortable thought processes,, so share your thoughts with someone close to you, or find a local drop in centre or a counsellor? sharing that burden is the first step of ‘shedding’ your disordered eating, next step is to then break that cycle, BUT THIS TAKES TIME, you’ll fall down but you WILL get back up, keep going, it will be hard, and no easy feat but its very possible. You are the strong woman you were born to be.
If this is not helpful I do apologise, but in my sharing I hope it opens your eyes that your not alone and have a voice, and it will be heard!
Love
H x
I am 24 years old and live in England, my greatest fear is to not achieve what I TRULY want in life and to not be loved.
I have over eaten as a child due to bullying and terrible self image, had anorexia at 17 which developed into bulimia and binge eating.
I am still recovering now, a month and a week not having what I call an ‘attack’, Whoop!, Its difficult some days, and some days not so much, especially with raging hormones and still trying to under stand my female body and its capabilities its an up hill struggle. I think my fear is my body, and not being able to FULLY ‘control’ it but meh, each day is a new day, just have to keep on moving! what would you recommend for bloated, lazy digestion? I exercise lightly with weights and walk LOADS but it still keeps coming back, that and my puffy face….really bothers me as I’m eating healthier than EVER but the results are not as ‘streamline’ and as ‘calming’ as I would have hoped….any tips PLEASE?
H x
Lauren, This is extremely well written and articulated!!! I can relate to SO much of this. xo
I fear weight gain. And I fear it will make it impossible to not drag my family into things that will hurt them.
I’m most afraid of being vulnerable and showing the world the “real” me. I’m scared that maybe I won’t like what I find once I’m free of bulimia and maybe the rest of the world won’t like who’s underneath the eating disorder either. It’s been my way to hide and to stay guarded against the world that I’m terrified of being without my safety net.