I remember when I couldn’t figure it out.
I knew what to do, I just didn’t know HOW.
When I felt broken, alone, scared and was terrified to tell anyone this secret that I kept from everyone.
I loved it and hated it at the same time.
I wanted to stay in that place of comfort, of safety, when everything around me was crashing down and chaotic around me– controlling everything around the food and my body, because at least I could have control over that.
I remember feeling so conflicted, I battled myself day in and day out.
“TODAY IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT,” I would foolishly tell myself. Plotting plans to change, to never binge and purge or restrict again, that had good intentions behind them, but knowing full well I probably wasn’t going to follow through on them.
The eating disorder had its hook in me. I needed it like a an addict needs a needle to the vein.
It was my crux, my crutch, my instant high, my very own secret and best friend that I needed as a relief from my pain.
You see, that was the REAL problem– the inner stuff that was actually CAUSING me to use and control the food and my body in that dysfunctional way.
The external behaviors were just a symptom of an INNER PROBLEM. An inner IMBALANCE, a state of “dis-ease” that had manifested in this way on the outside.
Cause it wasn’t really about the food.
It was the fact that I hated myself.
I despised myself and criticized myself so harshly.
I beat myself up constantly for not being ENOUGH, not being good enough, not being smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.
I didn’t believe in myself and had no idea what I was doing in my life or what I wanted.
I didn’t trust myself to make good and healthy decisions for myself and with the food.
I just honestly wholeheartedly believed there was something WRONG with ME– and I was determined to FIX myself.
I was broken and fucked up and alone.
I felt different than everyone else around me. I was an alien– was I the ONLY ONE who felt this way?
I felt things and was aware of things that normal people just didn’t feel or notice.
I lost myself because I thought it was wrong and bad– that I WAS WRONG AND BAD.
That there was no way that I could be happy– besides I had never been happy so what does that even look like? Or feel like?
Of course I didn’t even believe I was worthy of it anyways. I was a burden and my problems were just too much for other people. My shit was just not as important as helping others.
So I became what everyone else wanted me to be.
I neglected myself and people pleased to gain approval, I unconsciously sought out toxic relationships as a way to feel better about myself.
I used food and my body as a way to become acceptable and show everyone– see I AM good at SOMETHING.. I used it to rebel. I used it to punish myself. And being that small gave me this feeling of POWER, of CONTROL and thinking that everything was just going to fall into place once I reached a certain weight. A certain size.
But that happiness never came. It was always fleeting and was gone before I even had it.
I was chasing the illusion of perfection because I would never be good enough. No matter what I did.
It was a never ending cycle, and thank god I didn’t go deeper than I did, or become so good at it that it would have KILLED ME.
And when I was nearing that point, when I knew without a doubt that I was going to die if I didn’t get help…
I knew that I HAD to find a different way.
I had to go deeper for the answers.
I wanted it GONE.
I was willing to do ANYTHING to get there.
So I surrendered.
I made a decision.
And I would be lying if I said I stayed committed to that decision from that point on. Because it just doesn’t work like that.
I committed day after day, month after month, even year after year, every time I fucked up, every time I went on a “run” of eating disordered behaviors, I had to recommit to the journey.
Step back on the path and say to myself, “I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to pick myself back up and continue on this journey. No matter what it takes…”
Over and over and over again.
Because that’s the thing with recovery– very rarely do we WANT to do it day in and day out.
We step off the path and get distracted by other things that we think are the “answer.”
We don’t FEEL LIKE doing recovery so we don’t.
Because it’s HARD and SCARY and fucking UNCOMFORTABLE!!!
But as time passes you eventually get to the point when you know, that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
You recommit to the path ONE MORE TIME.
You tell yourself you’re not giving up– you give yourself no other option. This is IT.
There’s only moving forward now.
You begin to grow, and grow and grow and grow until the eating disorder has no more place in your life anymore.
And even then, you STILL don’t want to let it go.
But there comes a point where you know your Higher Self, your purpose, your passion, your potential for this life is calling you, gently nudging you from within.
You know that you have so much more to GIVE in this life, you just don’t know HOW.
The eating disorder is blocking you from all of it– and you think to yourself, “If I just didn’t have this eating disorder, I could really go after what I REALLY want in life. What would TRULY fulfill me on that deeper level.”
You probably don’t even know what that is at that point… But you can FEEL it.
You know within your heart you are destined for more.
There is so much potential just waiting to be discovered.
And it lies just beyond your reach.
Just beyond the eating disorder.
And there comes a time where you blindly decide to take a leap of faith.
You have these yearnings in your heart and soul that you just CAN’T IGNORE ANY LONGER.
That if you didn’t just LEAP, that you know you would regret it the rest of your life.
You are fucking terrified but you take that LEAP anyways, because you KNOW that it is right and true and in alignment.
You step onto that path of learning to trust and have faith and belief in yourself, in Life.
Although there are still doubts, there are still fears, there are a lot of things you just don’t know… You LEAP because you know the rewards are much greater than you can even fathom.
You do it because you WANT to do it and you feel you are destined to walk this path.
Even if it’s scary.
Even it it challenges you to the core.
You know you are meant for MORE.
You LEAP into the unknown.
You begin to let go of everything you have known, who you thought you were.
You realize the entire operating system you have lived on becomes the very thing that is holding you back and keeping you stuck.
But you are willing to leap as you see this way you have been living, been operating for so long no longer serves you.
And in that space, when you let go and just TRUST, everything is shown to you as you begin to be divinely guided.
As you begin to seek out a more internally driven life, one that is born from your soul, from your authenticity, from who you really are deep within, underneath the eating disorder.
And in that space you know… Everything is going to be okay, as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and take baby steps towards your dreams.
Freedom, happiness, joy, love, empowerment, wisdom, gratitude, wealth, bliss, bravery, fulfillment, self expression, authenticity, connection– whatever you desire can be yours along this path.
And it starts with taking that first step.
It starts with jumping off that cliff and taking that LEAP into the unknown.
Won’t you take that LEAP with me?
And I’ll show you everything you need to know in order to get there.
In order for your DREAMS to become REALITY.
As long as you are willing to show up and do the work, whatever you desire you can create.
You are an infinite being and you were destined for more.
Take that first step today towards creating your life of FREEDOM and FULFILLMENT with me.
Because it’s not really about the food or your body, isn’t it?
Because in order for you to truly claim your freedom, there is so much foundational knowledge that is ESSENTIAL for you to grasp in order for you to go beyond what you already know. To help you to see that this is not only POSSIBLE for you too, but entirely REALISTIC for you to completely and fully 100% recover.
I know how hard this is, beautiful soul. I have been where you’ve been and I can honestly say that I can relate to what you are going through.. Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I personally struggled with my own eating disorder, addictions and mental illnesses for more than half my life. When I learned what I am about to teach you, it was SIMPLE for me to do the WORK I needed to do to completely break free, FOREVER.
I’m not going to say that it was EASY, but I can definitely say that it is WORTH IT.
YOU are worth it.
There is nothing to lose except the eating disorder!!
In light + love,
LAUREN LOVE 💛🌴