I want to explain the absolute basic truths that you need to know in your personal recovery from eating disorders – whether you’re in recovery for bulimia, anorexia, binge eating, ednos – it all applies.
I wish there were someone there for me when I was going through it to help me and guide me and relate to what I was going through, when I was going through it.
This post is just for you.
It will give you the tips and tricks to give you the right mindset about recovering from eating disorders and helpful nuggets that are crucially important to remember when going through your recovery.
Here we go. Weeeeeeee!
1. It sucks.
Haha.. you didn’t expect me to say that did you?
Recovery absolutely does suck sometimes!
Eating disorder recovery was the most difficult challenge I have ever faced and most likely will be one of the hardest things you ever do.
Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is uncomfortable and yes it sucks sometimes.
Some days you will feel hopeless and some days you will feel on top of the world, and this is all part of the process.
I want you to know this up front because there will be days that are so hard and painful and difficult that you absolutely will not want to stick to your recovery. That is okay.
Of course there will be breakthroughs that will feel wonderful! You will get glimpses of freedom from ED and you will gain clarity and knowledge and it will feel amazing.
But it is equally important for you to know that there will be really, really hard days because you probably will feel – or you may already do feel – as if you want to give up some days. This is okay too.
All of it – the easy and the hard parts – they are all perfect and wonderful and exactly what you are supposed to be going through.
For me I knew that I really wanted recovery but it seemed that some days I just would get in my own way.
Recovery is !@$#*!? HARD!!!!
It is uncomfortable to make changes! And these are life-altering changes, and because of the nature of our eating disorders, it is a matter of life or death.
This part is really important, because as difficult and hard as recovery is…. YOU CAN DIE FROM YOUR EATING DISORDER.
I almost died from my eating disorder.
And you could die too from the eating disorder – which is what makes this an EXTREMELY CRUCIAL part to remember.
As difficult as recovery is, we must endure because the eating disorder will only bring us endless suffering, hardship, powerlessness, hopelessness and despair.
Eating disorders have one of the highest mortality rates out of all mental disorders.
I want to share a part of my story here…
Before I began my recovery, I was extremely bulimic and extremely anorexic**.
**I don’t believe in posting numbers so I won’t ever let you know how much I weighed. This is not a competition and it doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone or haven’t gone – we all suffer no matter what our weight. Weight should never be an indicator of our self-worth – it’s only a number for gosh sakes! The only thing that matters is that you want to get healthy and be free!!**
There was a point where I was purging over 20 times a day. I couldn’t keep any food in my body – it would just automatically “get rid of it.”
And not only was I throwing up the food – it really got scary when I started purging blood.
I was emaciated – literally just skin and bones and had lanugo** all over my body.
**For those of you who don’t know – lanugo is fine hairs kind of like “peach fuzz” that grows all over the body of babies in the womb, but some are born with this lanugo.
In eating disordered patients, lanugo “is caused by severe malnutrition and/or emaciation. Lanugo grows as a physiological response to the body’s inability to maintain it’s body temperature. In anorexics, the body loses so much fat that it is unable to stay warm. Lanugo grows as a way to keep heat in before it dissapates, acting as a blanket. from http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/articles/anorexia/lanugo-definition**
I put my body through so much stress and torture with the eating disorder that I am surprised that my heart didn’t give out on me.
Actually it almost did several times. It felt like I was having a heart attack – I felt extreme pressure in my chest, tightness, and it was hard to breathe.
My limbs – my hands and feet and legs would go numb. I remember times when I would lay on the floor, paralyzed…completely unable to move…sometimes even passing out from the exhaustion, the malnutrition.
Many times I was afraid for my own life.
And Shockingly, these experiences actually gave me hope!!
I believe that for me, the eating disorder was not only a way to attempt to gain control over myself and my life, but it was also an unconscious means of punishment…
I hated myself so much I wanted to die.
I hated myself so much that I wanted to disappear…and I was, literally.
Over the years I was slowly killing myself with the eating disorder, spiraling down further and further until I approached death.
And can you believe it? This actually gave me hope!
It gave me hope because when I stared death in the face – I suddenly realized I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE.
It was a long slow road out of that place, that horrid space that I created with the eating disorder, but it was the beginning of a life, of hope for a better way of living.
I’m sharing this because I KNOW that if YOU were faced with a similar situation, that YOU TOO would realize you don’t want to die with your eating disorder.
I KNOW and believe in my heart that you would CHOOSE LIFE.
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”
You may have been through something like this or you may not have. It really doesn’t matter, we all have our own struggles and our stories are all different and unique.
I am sharing this experience with you for one reason and one reason only – so that you can learn from my experiences.
I know that you too probably feel exactly like I did – hopeless, helpless, longing for something to fill the void, someone or something to fill you up, to give you love unconditionally, to accept you and to give you the true freedom of expression to fulfill your heart’s desires and be the woman you were truly meant to be.
Please, if you haven’t been down the same road as I have, learn from what I have gone through. It can get much, much worse if you allow it too. Don’t.go.there. Trust me.
Mine consumed me, threw me down and almost killed me. I hope and pray that you will find it in your heart to relate to my situation and understand – that it doesn’t have to get that bad for you.
Know that FREEDOM AWAITS YOU.
It doesn’t matter if your eating disorder has been around for a year, or a month, or ten years or forty years.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve lost weight or gained weight.
I know you are struggling because you are lost and I am here to show you the way and help you stay on your path of recovery.
It can be so difficult some days and feel like %^*()^% hell. Don’t worry, this is okay – in fact this is actually quite normal.
I’m here to let you know that I know what it’s like, I’ve been there too, and I’m here for you.
It sucks sometimes but it is ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY, and COMPLETELY WORTH IT.
The pain and suffering. The agony, despair, self-hatred and anxiety. The uncomfortable-ness, the insatiable desire, and hopelessness.
It’s all worth it. Trust me.
There are so many bigger and better things that you can experience in your life WITHOUT your eating disorder.
And this leads me to number 2.
2. Don’t ever ever ever ever ever ever give up.
Don’t ever give up. Period. As bad as it sucks and as bad as it hurts to face the fears, the anxiety and traumas of your past, you must go through it.
Don’t worry, you can take as long as you like. You can slip backwards and then take giant leaps forward.
You can slither along slowly, quietly at times.
Or you can start running and never look back.
But please, whatever you do, don’t ever ever ever give up.
I know that eating disorder recovery – full recovery – can seem so overwhelming a task to achieve and you might feel afraid that you are going to fail.
I know I was afraid that I might never be free from the eating disorder chains, that I would be stuck in the dysfunction forever.
How could I want something and not want something at the same time? Honestly, I was so confused and thought I would be on an endless quest forever to “figure things out.”
I’m here to tell you that “being recovered” is possible for ANYONE. It is available and waiting for those who are willing to seek it and find it and know it and live it!
This is Important: no matter what happens, if you don’t give up, you will never fail!
You must commit yourself to always working your recovery and never giving up on yourself, no matter how hopeless or difficult it may seem at times.
You are doing this for a reason – your life, health, happiness, and freedom depend upon it!
And the last thing you must know…
3. You must learn to let go and truly say goodbye.
SUPER IMPORTANT. This is the *key* to *true freedom*.
The eating disorder has become a part of you for the time you have allowed it to reside within and manifest in your life.
Many of us started out “enjoying” the eating disorder behaviors – I mean come on, we developed the eating disorder for a reason. It fulfilled a need in our life that we were unable to meet through other means.
The problem is that the eating disorder is so seductive and pretends to be our best friend, until it suddenly stabs us in the back and we become trapped in an endless vicious cycle that controls our life.
Then suddenly we can’t stop, even though we *want* to.
Just as the eating disorder entered our life as a “friend” or “companion” at times, we must now say goodbye to it. Forever. (yes, this sucks too).
You might not want to hear that. Your eating disorder might be screaming at you, “You’ll never be rid of me!” right now.
The “disease mentality” that modern society is immersed in has programmed you into thinking that you will suffer with this “disease” the rest of your life.
That’s BULLSHIT.
It’s a “dis-ease” meaning you there is some parts of you are not “at ease.”
I believe in a holistic philosophy meaning that I believe in healing the entire being – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual (soul) healing.
Just as the eating disorder entered your life at one time or another, it just as easily can make an exit.
You must consciously choose to say goodbye.
You might not feel ready to do this right now. And that is okay.
There are many parts of your life and in your recovery that you will know you need to take care of before you let go fully.
I just want you to know, there will be a time where you will have to say goodbye.
You might even struggle with and mourn this part of you “dying” if you will. You can say goodbye and allow yourself to move on or you can just open the door and kick it to the curb.
No matter what image comes to mind for you when you picture yourself saying “goodbye” to ED, this is a crucial step to take to becoming “fully recovered.”
So that’s it. You absolutely need to know and remember these things when recovering from your eating disorder…
- Recovery sucks and is really hard sometimes.
- Don’t ever ever ever give up and you’ll never fail.
- You must say goodbye to ED and allow yourself to let go…
Looking back, these are the things I wish I knew. You can “work” your eating disorder recovery as much or as little as you like, but if you don’t remember these three things, you will remain in a state of “recovering” and never make the leap to “fully recovered.”
If nothing else, I hope that you know how much I care about you and your recovery because I want you to gain true freedom and break free from the eating disorder chains!!!
I want to share it ALL with you so that YOU TOO can lose the eating disorder and GAIN the world!!!
Happiness, love, peace, fulfillment, self-love, creativity, truth, contentment, self-expression, freedom, joy, satisfaction – whatever it is you are seeking or yearning for, they are ALL possible. I can help you achieve whatever it is you desire.
Please let me know your comments and let me know if you have any questions – I would be happy to connect with you and share the wisdom to help you in any way I can.
Peace, Love + Freedom,
You are so amazing and inspirational. I just discovered your site today and there is so much good stuff to read, I just want to devour it all. Just reading this I can feel my eyes opening a bit. I am trying to recover, and I can release like 95% of the Ed, but that last 5 percent I am clutching on to so tightly like its a life-raft. I am only just beginning to see that I can never truly be free or recovered until I let go of that last bit. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for your blog, it is so helpful, spot-on and REAL!!
Hi Caitlin!
Thank you so much for your comment!! I really appreciate it, and that’s exactly what I’m here for! I am so proud of you for letting go of almost all of the eating disorder, I know how much work it takes to get to that point. After that just making a choice and taking that leap of faith is all it takes. I know you can do it!! When you realize that you don’t need the eating disorder, it will be so much easier to let go of that life-raft. Don’t give up!! And remember, I’m here if you ever need help! 🙂
Peace, Love +FREEDOM,
Lauren
Wow you are inspirational. I am wondering after bulimia do your teeth continue to get destroyed? I was bulimic for 5 years and recently stopped and it was the best decision of my life.
WHAT AN AWESOME ARTICLE!! YOU ARE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS, WISDOM AND ENCOURAGEMENT. I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH AN EATING DISORDER FOR FORTY SOME YEARS…HAVE HAD UPS AND DOWNS…AND YOU GIVE ME THE MOTIVATION TO FINALLY HEAL MY BODY, MIND AND SOUL. THANK YOU LAUREN. PLEASE KEEP UP THE WONDERFUL JOB FOR ALL OF US WARRIORS!!!
Hi Lauren,
I was looking for some websites to make me feel relieved for my situation, and found this. I have never been diagnosed to have an eating disorder, but have always known that I am obsessed about my self-image. I recognized that I might have been anorexia. I have been in the 12 step program and I really understand what you are saying here. I entered the program with a normal weight, and was so afraid of gaining weight. During the time when I was in the program, I lost weight. When my weight became 2 digits, it was an alert. I made effort to gain weight. I gained a little. Recently, I have been making more effort to gain weight, but it triggers me. The issue is not food, but something else. I feel not safe if I don’t restrict myself. I feel good when I do. I feel organized, and things are in order inside me. Not today. I am gaining weight. I know I am a binger too. I am just not restricting. I make excuse to eat too. Most of people in the 12 step program are overweight. I feel so alone on this. Anorexia must gain weight. Otherwise, recovery would not happen. I want to recover. I want to be happy. I want to dream and hope. I want to live. I am Japanese, and people are thin in Japan. They probably have smaller frames. I am not as small as they. I am 5’5″, which is a lot taller than the average Japanese women. So much to say, but I am desperately looking for somebody who can relate to me and encourage me to continue recovery.
My sponsor (in the 12 step program, we usually do someone who can guide us for our recovery, and mine is anorexia) keeps telling me that I need to reach to a healthy weight. The minimum healthy weight for me is xxx lbs. I don’t want to gain that much. I always consider my disease to be not severe case. And, people never ever even think that I have eating problems.
Thank you for listening.
I relate a lot to this. I haven’t been diagnosed (as of yet) and you would not be able to tell by looking at me as I am a healthy size (BMI of xx-xx) and am really fit. I want to tell you that you deserve to get help just as much as someone who is severely anorexic or bulimic, it’s about the psychological situation of the individual and going by what you have written you are clearly are reaching out for help. So please get help! Please seek the advice of professions, book an appointment right now with your GP or do a google search to find a psychologist/psychiatrist. I came to the realisation that I have some form of a eating disorder just yesterday and I have already made an appointment with my GP because I want to get over this and get my life back. Do it too! Just do it! I am the person you have asked for you to encourage you to recover! So what are you waiting for? Be excited about getting your life back!!! You definitely need to talk to someone more about your issues; you say it’s not food but “something else”, so speaking to a professional will help you understand and resolve the things that are causing your anxiousness and stress that is evident in your behaviour and thoughts about food and weight. I hope I have provided you with some support, and I want you to know I believe in you! You are not alone in this, there are many many people out there in a similar situation, like me! You deserve to be completely happy so be pro-active in making it happen because it’s possible!
This is absolutely amazing! As soon as i started reading this i started crying.
I only just realised i had a really bad problem with bulimia even though its been happening for a really long time.
I’m trying to stop but i had no idea how addicted to purging i was until i tried to stop.
I have some amazing friends that have been really supportive but i never realised it would be such a struggle to overcome an eating disorder, this page makes me feel like thats ok though and i guess the only way i ever really will is if i keep trying
This page is such a reality check for me, thanks so much for sharing your story and reaching out to people like me
♥
I found this page when I was at my lowest point of recovery. I relapsed after 3 blissful weeks of peace and calm with food. I let go of all my new tools, and completely went on weeks of binging. I’m slowly trying to get back to the peace I felt back in April. Your website is exactly what I needed. Especially the part about recovery sucking and never giving up.
I am really struggling with recovering right now. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. Your post has moved me to tears and reminded me to just keep swimming and push through this lapse. Thank you
Hey Julie, I was where you are now back in May. My post is above yours. I can tell you it gets better. Keep using your tools, call people, use this blog, keep reading books, and it WILL get better!
wow thanx for this blog! Im from holland 🙂 and I choose recovery too… i recognise the part of keep on hangin in recovery…. like i always need a next step… but maybe you are right and i fully have to let go and move on. Just a part of me wants to stay connected to the disorder… but i do feel the freedom some days 🙂 i just wanna get out of the enxietie… i will save this page… and again thanx.. greetings from holland… Bianca
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I am currently in recovery, but every day is a battle and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Everyday I question the direction I’m going. I feel so terrible, most of the time. I cant seem to accept this new body. And I feel so out of control.
The thing is.. every time I try to recover it gets so hard I give up. This time I have decided to make it stick. But I need something else to hold on to. It feels like Im loosing such a big part of myself. The ED has given me an identity for many years now. How can i discover myself anew? What can I do to find my authentic self, without ED?
And the hardest part; Im so disgusted when I look myself in the mirror. This feeling just wont go away by itself.. So what can I do to accept that I am no longer thin? At night I lay awake and think: “I cant do this… Im fat and ugly.. Tomorrow I’ll go back to starving myself..”. When does it get easier? How can I learn to accept the new me? Living with an eating disorder can be a living hell, but it seems like being normal (and normal weight) is just as bad. I don’t want this body! Everytime I move I feel the fat. I cry because I want out of this body! I just want it off of me! Sometimes I think the only way to escape my body and the fat and the torturing thoughts is to kill myself.
Help, what do I do?
Hi Charlotte, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. I really relate to your post and it makes me sad because I was in that terrible place with similar thoughts. I have been in recovery for 8 months and I have come so far, I have luckily had a (I would say) fantastic recovery. I feel like ED me was someone else in another universe. So hopefully I can share some positive thoughts. I have more fat on me now than before which, like you, I struggled with at the start. I was worried that people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t a certain way -perfect – which was unachievable and unhealthy. But having fat on me is SUCH a positive. I can now concentrate, drive safely, study, live better, achieve more, but I now have “found” myself. Corny hah. But especially socially!
I am now able to hold conversations, before I couldn’t concentrate enough. I now am energetic and fun!! I am able to dance all night, am the life of the party (I even danced naked with friends and strangers!!) people like me SO much more now as I have energy for life and I am no longer an empty shell.
I struggled with confidence at the start when I was in recovery but once you are healthy you will be able to properly engage with people and you will realize that people will like you for who you are and your personality. And that is THE most amazing feeling. Looks are changeable (makeup, aging etc) but what’s inside is what really counts and is what makes you special and irreplaceable. I feel sexy with my increased amounts of fat! People like me more and I like myself more coz of it. That happened gradually but you’ll get there. Relationships take time.
I have recovered and am now living my life, you can do it also I believe in you. Seriously, having fat is not only necessary (same goes with every person in the world. And a minuscule percentage of people have hardly any fat which is to do with genetics anyway) but it is the best decision I have ever made.
I can’t wait for you to be where I am, to not be an empty shell that ED sucked the life out of, but to be able to love and to be loved. Others and yourself. I wish you the best of luck. And I hope my ramblings a have helped . Xoxox
Grace, all I can say is how amazingly wonderful your post is… you give me hope! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I am a Mom. My girl shared this with me and I cannot thank you enough. She has been struggling with ED for 9 months and it has been so difficult (hell).
Reading inspirational posts like yours is a gift to us. Thank you.
What an incredible blog! Thank you so much for sharing. I found happiness and freedom from my eating disorder seven years ago now. I had suffered with it for more than 20 years. It is possible. And it is so wonderful to see support and resources like this for those still struggling. It is important to have success stories to draw strength from until you find strength of your own!
I’m currently in recovery and I have crazy fears of fatuige in recovery, there are constantly voices beyond my own in my head trying to count calories and such, and sometimes my own voice can push it down, but sometimes it can’t, any advice or “myth-busters” for recovery?
Thats so lovely – thank u for that. Being a guy there isn’t many I can talk to about this. Having a very “dark night of the soul” here tonight and I thank u for Hope. Im only 3weeks into refeeding and its getting scary now….
This has pushed me to my final steps of recovery. Today I learned to let go & say my final goodbyes to AnaMia. I am forever grateful to feel empowered by your words. Thank you for writing this. <3
Hi there. I am currently fighting my disorder. I can’t bear to call it by it’s name. I am in a program which enforces strict rules for my parents to prepare all meals and be in charge of all food choices. This is so difficult. I am being forced to eat and eat and I can’t deal with it anymore. I have no way out of the program. The only way out is to get out of my life. I’m struggling, I am really struggling. It is hard looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing this disgusting thing staring back at you. I came here hoping for help since I have had the strongest thoughts ever. I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. Like you, I was close to death with the disorder, but I feel like this is taking me even closer. :((
Thank you so much for this. This week I begin working on my eating disorder and I am TERRIFIED of what is in store for me. I just see myself exploding in weight. But today I almost passed out, with my two year old here, because I’ve hardly eaten for weeks, months even. Today I couldn’t go on. As I clung to the bench moving towards the fridge slowly to reluctantly eat a banana I just thought “OK I don’t like that I have to give this up. And that’s OK. But it doesn’t matter that I don’t like it, I have to do it”
Hi Lauren,
Thanks for your sharing. It is amazing and encouraging.
Were you on medication during the recovery ? During your recovery period, it is outpatient throughout ?
What is your advice on how to push yourself to eat sufficiently and yet not pushing yourself over the limit and become self harm and suicidal ?
Thanks.
My 12 yr old daughter is suffering from anorexia. Inpatient tx for 8 weeks was not sucessful. Rightnow she is eating 3 extremely small low calorie no fat vegan meals a day. Her entire day, every waking moment is spent thinking about her next meal. Her life revolves around the obsession of food. I need advice on my next step to help her. I’m considering pulling all control of planning/ preparing her meals and take over by doing it for her. I know she will have a very hostile reaction to this. Would this technique have worked for you or anyone caught in this ED?
I’ve never really done the whole recovery process as I am still trapped in the midst of this hell I call my bestfriend. Wanting to stop and not being strong enough to because of fear. Fear of death and fear of saying goodbye.
What a beautiful girl you are! My daugher has just been diagnosed with anorexia and I can truly say it is the most terrifying time I have ever been through. To try and get through to her is impossible, the ED has taken hold of her, I don’t know my daughter she’s changed!
You are an inspiration and I am sorry for all of your suffering. I pray that this isn’t going to be a very long recovery, but recover she will, I will be with her all the way and get her through this somehow. Your message is very powerful, I wish you so much happiness and joy! xxx
Keep on working, great job!