Raw Ramblings of My Recovery for Bulimia.
Before you read…
I’m revealing two writings about the same event in my recovery for bulimia. The first was written in 2006 when I first began my recovery for bulimia and the second was written in 2012, almost 6 years later.
It’s an event that is almost never talked about – rape. Yes it happened to me and many women who have eating disorders.
According to studies, a relatively high percent report that they have suffered from some sort of abuse in their lives whether it be sexual, physical and/or emotional abuse. I’ve definitely found this to be true with many of the women I’ve met in recovery for bulimia or anorexia or binge eating or other eating disorder.
I’m warning you – this entry was part of my recovery for bulimia process, it allowed me to feel the feelings associated with this event. It was a way to walk through the understanding what really happened to me in order to eventually accept it and release it (which I did).
I’m revealing my pain, my struggles, and this is definitely not easy for me.
It’s raw, it’s real, it’s part of my recovery for bulimia.
Here goes…Trigger Warning!!!! Please don’t read if you feel that it might trigger you or hurt you in any way. It’s a poem written about the rape I experienced. I think it’s important to share (for those who want to read) so that you can really understand what goes through the mind when something as traumatic as a rape happens.
I write… (click arrow down to read)
Trigger Warning
November 12, 2006
How could you do this to me?
I wanted to die that night
Lost and you found me
Shivering, alone, forgotten on the corner
You knew exactly what you were doing
Jim Beam, Jack Daniels
You were willing to pay for it all
shot after shot
because you were planning
to get something in return.
Vulnerability desirable
Drunk, fucked up, obliterated beyond belief
You knew you could get what you wanted.
Couldn’t you see I was just a scared
lonely girl?
Why didn’t I see it?
Hotel locked up, you offered the couch.
Why did I trust you?
Unknowingly I succumbed
to your false hospitality
Fuzzy night,
was I blacking out?
That’s what you wanted,
wasn’t it?
I wish I didn’t remember at all.
You approached me
in your dirty apartment
trying to undress me,
rip off my clothes.
I was saying No but
your friend held me down.
Dark bedroom, facedown.
Naked, exposed, vulnerable
I was saying No
why didn’t you stop?
I tried to run but you
threw.me.down.
I remember seeing you smile,
as you stood, naked and disgusting
behind me. Spit.
I wish I didn’t remember
what happened next.
You disgust me,
I hate you,
How could you do this to me?
How could you violate my body like that
and then have your friend come
and join in on your fun?
I was yelling No but you didn’t listen.
You knew what you were planning
I was a perfect target
I wish I could take it all back
I’m so ashamed, disgusted
I hate myself
I hate you
I blame myself
I just wanted to die
I was confused by what happened. I was hurt by what happened. I felt betrayed by my own body, my own self. I didn’t want to be in my skin because it was so shameful what happened to me. I didn’t tell anyone after it happened. I tried to block it out of my mind so I didn’t have to think about it.
I did a lot of work on this, processing it throughout my recovery for bulimia and I’ve ultimately released this memory from having a grip on me. It was such hard work to have to walk through my pain, but it is so worth it.
Almost 6 years later, I write another entry, drastically different from my initial writing of the event. Obviously there was much done in between but I wanted to share this to highlight how one can come so far in recovery for bulimia or anorexia and ultimately release those things that hold us back…
April 8, 2012
…So after all of the festivities, my household is quiet and I turn inward to regroup and get centered. As I stood washing the dishes, I began thinking, as I always do when I’m washing dishes or cleaning the house. I use it metaphorically as I clean the dishes, clean the house, clean the closets, I’m also cleaning out my mind.
Today a memory popped up into my awareness. It’s not one that I typically think of. In fact, I had suppressed it in my memory for so long that I rarely EVER think or even want to think about it.
I was raped by a man while studying abroad in Europe while in college. Today I can say that without feeling ashamed (Which is amazing but it took me a lot of work and to get to this place). It’s a memory that has haunted me and catapulted me into despair, pushing me down much deeper into the depths of the eating disorder where I suffered for many years.
A few years ago in an inpatient treatment center I had written a letter to this man that I had to read out loud in a process group. I had such an intense flashback that it sent me into a crazy panic attack, I didn’t know where I was and I woke up on the floor. It was such a traumatic experience for me and it took a long time for me to process it.
Today I’m seeing the whole rape experience in my mind as I’m washing the dishes, and it’s amazing how much clarity I can see about this event now. My perspective has totally changed…I was thinking of this memory and I said to myself,
‘I take responsibility for my actions, I am sorry that I put myself in a vulnerable position.
Please forgive me for my weaknesses, but I know that it is not my fault.
Thank you for bringing this memory into my awareness for me to clear the negative emotions surrounding it and to accept it for what it is.
I love you for allowing yourself to forgive yourself. I love you for allowing yourself to let go.’
And then I thought to myself, I forgive him-my rapist. He might even be suffering himself. I don’t know, maybe he feels guilty about it, maybe he’s suffering just as I’ve suffered over it.
I truly forgive him and I can let this memory go and learn the lessons I needed to learn from it. I feel such a sense of relief knowing that I don’t have to allow this memory of the past to effect my current circumstances.
I can forgive myself and forgive him and truly let go…I allow love to flow in.”
Ahhh…so different! I’m so grateful for these insights I’ve received along my journey of recovery for bulimia and anorexia.
Today, I still look at this event with a hint of sadness. I was so lost, so broken.
I am so grateful that I can stand proud today and forgive him. I can’t be resentful for that only hurts me – not him. Accepting what happened and forgiving him has been one of the greatest trials I’ve been through in my recovery for bulimia and anorexia.
Forgiveness sets us f r e e !
I can only hope that he has asked for forgiveness, or maybe that he can forgive himself…
Peace, Love + Freedom,
