Raw Ramblings of My Former Eating Disorder Shell.
Day One.
I was in college when I made my first therapy appointment. I was scared shitless. I write,
[My first therapy appointment is in a half an hour. I can’t believe I’m going to do this.
I can’t believe I have to tell someone all the things I’ve been hiding all these years.
I’ve even fooled myself into believing that I don’t have a problem. I think that my problems aren’t THAT bad – there are many people who are much worse off. My family would laugh if I told them my problem because it is insignificant.
…
I’ve been isolating myself again. Just me and food, like always, my best friend.
Last night I binged and ate so much and I went to the bathroom and threw up. I threw up so hard I popped blood vessels around my eyes. But it felt good.
…
Right now I’m at Deets having a soy latte trying to convince myself how screwed up I am. If this is how I’ve always been, what will I be when I don’t have an eating disorder?
I don’t know how to be normal…I don’t know how to have a normal healthy relationship.
I’m scared to go talk to this lady. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she says you really don’t have a problem.]
I wrote this entry just before going to my first initial therapy appointment. I had so much anxiety about the appointment that I wrote about the binge/purge and how it felt good to do it.
And that’s the crutch: the binge/purge actually helps in the short term.
It gives us such relief.
It releases so much anxiety, emotions and feelings that feel so overwhelming.
It allows for a way to stuff these feelings down and release it.
Why do you think so many bulimics never recover?
Because it feels too good – it gives the momentary relief, the numbing of pain, of loneliness, a feeling of filling that void.
When you go to treatment for bulimia, you have to give that up. You have to give up the short term gain for the long term gain.
Many women crave the feelings they get when they are engaging in the behaviors.
I know I did.
But I found other ways of satisfying myself, nourishing my soul.
Healing me from the inside out.
I don’t have to engage in the eating disorder behaviors today, and I haven’t for years.
My thinking has changed, my paradigm has shifted.
I’m no longer preoccupied by my outward appearance.
I’m not constantly barraged with the obsession with food, dieting, and losing weight.
Today I love myself and my body. (Yayyyyy!)
Later that day, after the therapist appointment, I write,
[I’m afraid of getting better.
I’m afraid that I will fail at recovery, so why even try?
I’m afraid at what might come up, what I’ll have to face. I’m afraid of all the effort and work that will have to come as a result of my recovery.
I’m afraid I’m too weak and I won’t be able to make it through. I would rather give up than fight it. I mean it’s been controlling my life as long as I remember so is it worth trying to get over?
…
I don’t like the feeling of absolute oblivion after I binge but I somehow crave it.
It makes me feel satisfied, like I’m filling this void inside me that nothing else can fill.
…
I couldn’t eat right now even if I wanted to. The idea of food is repulsing right now after all I ate last night. I basically ate everything that was left in my house.
Maybe because I was nervous about my appointment today and partly because I wanted to get one last binge out before I start with my recovery.
I never realize how screwed up my life really is until I hear it coming out of my mouth.
It’s hard to say because I am ashamed of a lot of it.
I mean I know I can’t control what goes on in my family but I feel like I bring on a lot of my problems myself – but I just can’t help it, you know?
My therapist asked me what one of my strengths is…and I literally couldn’t think of anything. I ended up saying I’m a good listener because I help everyone else with their problems.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be normal.
Happy.]
I had such low self esteem. I was so ashamed of myself for what I had become. I used the eating disorder for comfort, for safety, to fill the void. I was unable to give love to myself. I didn’t know how.
I just knew that I could be happy and I was about to find out how through my wonderfully painful, gloriously triumphant eating disorder recovery!!!
We’ll be exploring my eating disorder recovery journals all month long.
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s edition of Raw Ramblings of My Former Shell.
Peace, Love + Freedom,
