This week in our 6 week guided Healing Your ED Ecourse, we are going through the physical level of healing in my ebook Roots + Nourishment. We are talking about how to nourish your body and how this physical level of healing can be seen as the foundation for recovery.
It is the basis for which each of the other levels of healing are built upon.
Once you start learning how to eat again, once you start developing a healthy, loving relationship with food and your body, then you are free to explore the emotional aspects of recovery, how to feel your feelings and how they affect your eating.
You are free to start discovering what limiting beliefs are holding you back, what stuck mental patterns are perpetuating the vicious eating disorder cycle.
You are free to start building that connection within yourself to heal spiritually, so you can feel joyful and loving and at peace with yourself.
And so this got me thinking, while working on this foundation, we are talking about using a eating disorder meal plan in recovery and how to eat intuitively.
I am wondering, what do you do in your own recovery? Do you follow a meal plan, do you use structured eating or do you simply allow yourself to eat intuitively (or do you not know how to do any of these)?
I am interested in hearing from you because I would like to know… what would you like to read more about on my blog and in my emails:
Would you like to learn more about how to implement a meal plan or structured eating in order to learn how to eat intuitively?
Or are some of you further along and would like help with learning how to eat intuitively and being more flexible and fluid with food choices, learning how to love yourself with the food?
Please leave a comment below and let me know your thoughts!! I am looking forward to hearing your replies!
Peace, Love + Freedom,
Meal plan / structured eating
I find a meal plan less intimidating to start with, but one that specifies for sample ‘ 300 calorie snack ‘ so that you can start to choose options for yourself
Most definitely Kirsty! Meal plans should be flexible and allow you to switch and choose your food choices so you don’t get stagnant or bored with the current plan, and it should include foods that you LOVE and want to eat!
Hi Lauren,
I have struggled with disordered eating of one kind or another for my entire life. I have been in therapy and had a lot of “recovery” however just got a RD for the 1st and she set me up with a food plan. I am so so resistant to eating all the food yet over and over I keep reading how important it is to re-feed. Any tips to overcoming the resistance? I have such shame around feeling full an ED kicks in whenever I feel like have eaten too much…I see now that is the ED talking. Thanks for taking the time to answer this!
Hi again Lauren! I would like to hear more about intuitive eating and what that looks like
I work with a dietitian on a meal plan and for me it is helpful. I am in my third month of recovery and still am struggling against restricting, so the meal plan forces me to eat.
That’s awesome Colleen, great job!! Yes it is important to follow the meal so that you can get enough nutrition during the day..what also would be helpful for you would be to look deeper, what’s underneath that is driving you to want to restrict…?
I have tried both and struggled – meal plans I get to a point somewhere – might be 6 months down the road, or later even, when I freak and restrict again. Intuitive and I cannot hear the distinction between the ED voice and my own desires. Input on both would be great – but I realise that may not be possible!
Hi Lauren, My name is Bridget and I am wanting to fully recover from my eating disotder which started when I was just a kid. I overate when I was a kid, and excersied a lot. As a teenager I became anorexic and as an adult, I developed a combination of eating disroders: overeating, restricting, over excersing, etc. I am on Prozac (40 mg) and I feel like it does help with depression. Lately my eating disorder has taken the shape of night eating (eating all my calories in the middle of the night–I will fall asleep and wake up and eat, then restrict and overexcersize the next day. ) I am trying to break this habit and feel like a meal plan would help me greatly. It’s been a long time since I’ve eaten on time and normal amounts each day. Could you give me a meal plan, so I could accomplish this goal? Also my mindset, after having gone to OA for several years got stuck in….. I need to have a definition of abstinence and it needs to be perfect aka the only thing that matters is that I be abstinent each day. I had a lot of slips and then when I slipped I felt like totally giving up. I struggle with perfectionism and have all or nothing thinking, so I’ve been nervous to get back on a meal plan because I know that if I don’t follow it perfectly, my eating disorder could really spiral out of control. I get really frusterated when I mess up at things, and that anger drives my eating disorder more.) Do you think calorie counting would be best for me? Right now making sure I eat the right foods and on time is very scary for me, I am also scared of how I will feel by doing that.)
I know this is a lot of info, but you could really help me.
Bridget
I would love a healthy vegan meal plan
Hi Lisa! I do work with so many vegans/vegetarians/raw foodies/gluten-free, you name it and so maybe in the future I can post vegan friendly meal plans! Thanks for your input!
a vegan one would really be great
I would like to know how to eat calmly and intuitively once I have gone through a meal plan and put on weight. How do I keep myself eating well once I ave gone through those initial steps to recovery. I guess what I am trying to say, is how do I keep up recovery without replapsing. I have come so far and would ate to lose all the work I have done, but I am a little scared about that. Thanks.
I would also like to know this please
Hi Anna! It is different for everyone but if you are working with a meal plan to gain weight and that is working for you, then I would stick with it even when you get back up to your natural set point weight range. Then from there you can start to be more flexible with it and learn how to tune into your hunger and full cues. Ultimately what I did was wean myself off of the meal plan when I was ready, but I really had to work on trusting myself to eat intuitively without going back into the dysfunctional behaviors again. Definitely keep up the great work and I will go into more detail in upcoming blog posts so stay posted!!
Meal plan/structured eating
I have dieted since I was 16 or have been eating out of control. I turn every plan into restricting or license to eat what I want. I need to learn how to eat intuitively. Thank you!
Hi Robyn, thanks for your comment! I know what you mean about this and feeling so black and white about it, being on either extreme – either restricting or going the other way and binging/eating whatever all the time. Yes eating intuitively is neither of these, I feel it is a delicate balance of learning how to eat enough nutrition for your body every day but also eating what you want, when you feel hungry and stopping when you are full. I hope to clarify this further in future blog posts as to how exactly to intuitively eat, so thank you for your comment I will definitely write more about it!!
How do you find the motivation and/or accountability to actually follow a meal plan? I am so stuck in my eating disorder habits, I am not willing to follow a plan. I want to be better and know I need to gain weight but can’t bring myself to do so. Any help and insight would be appreciated.
hi Suksumshabang
At last I too hear what you say……i so want to get better/rid of ED ritual habits,yet i am so not able to commit to sticking to a meal plan, how do we overcome this, my problem is I hate the thought of food inside my body, i reckon i function much better with nothing inside me also i have this disease for over 15years now and my biggest problem to date would be I chew and spitt out everything i eat/drink………..need HELP
Structured meal plan is the only thing that will work for meL
I agree with a lot of the comments above. I need help staying motivated and accountable while on a meal plan. I email my therapist my meals at the end of each day (with my meal plan in mind), but feel that some days I can be doing really well with food and following my plan, and other days I have a case of the f*ck it’s and just binge throughout the day. I hope to one day be in a place where I have consistently been following my meal plan, my body weight and hunger/fullness levels are stable, and I can start to work on becoming more of an intuitive eater. Right now though, my hunger/fullness is just so out of way that normalizing it is my number one priority.
I totally know what you mean about having a case of the F*ck its Melissa!!! I love what your goals are and working towards being in a place where you are tuning into your hunger and fullness cues and are working towards eating more intuitively. I know for me, what was really important when using my meal plan, was to put the things on my meal plan that I really loved. It is important not to feel restricted or limited by what it on the plan. I started to be more flexible with what was on there and gave myself permission to “switch” or change something on the meal plan if what I had planned was not exactly what I was hungry for. Part of it is learning to be easier and gentler with yourself and just allowing yourself to have certain foods if that’s what you want! I don’t believe we should restrict anything and I know that when I did, the eating disorder definitely would freak out and then that’s what I would binge/purge on. Also, it sounds to me that your hunger/fullness cues may be affected by your emotions or is it a way to deal with stress for you?? I admit it is difficult discerning between the two but following a meal plan and learning how to simply nourish and love yourself with the food is important to get beyond that place where you still want to say f*ck it..does that make sense??\
I hope to write more articles about this topic and how to start using the meal plan to transition more into intuitive eating. Thank you so much for your comment!!!
Thank you so much for this response. I have the same problem with restricting: My ED freaks out and then I begin binging like crazy and trying so hard not to purge.
I feel like a meal plan is a “diet,” and echoes restriction. I want to learn to love and appreciate all food, and not fear foods that all of those without an ED eat without a second thought.
I love your feelings on this.
Being able to have a loving relationship with food would be wonderful!
Yes I agree with you Yvette, it’s definitely not for everyone!! For many people in recovery it is a delicate balance, because a meal plan allows you to make sure you are getting enough nutrition during the day, but for some it can feel more restrictive and limiting just like the ED behaviors. Go with your intuition on this one and work on incorporating ALL foods into your diet. At first it might be helpful to start with selecting the times you are going to eat, and then allowing yourself to choose intuitively what it is your body wants and needs at that moment. This way you are committing to eating all your meals and snacks at those times but then allowing yourself to just eat what your body wants. This can be a great way for you to transition into a place where you can love and appreciate all foods, enjoy what you are eating ,and not feel limited or restricted by a set “plan.” Keep up the great work!!!
For me I always have a meal plan structure in the back of my mind. It helps to let me know when I am not eating enough while “eating intuitively”. However, when I start to slip and lose weight I go back to the structure of the meal plan and set meal times. Going back to that set structure helps me to not fall into full relapse.
I love that this is working for you, Anne, thank you for sharing!! I too did something similar, because after a while of eating a meal plan it kind of becomes second nature and you start to use that meal plan structure subconsciously after a while. I like to call it a “flexible framework” so that we know we can still eat the same basic structure but also be flexible to allow for different wants or environment changes like going out to eat. It’s important to learn how to be more flexible and fluid and flowing yet I love what you do when you see yourself slipping how you get back on that set structure. Awesome job, thank you so much for sharing and keep up the amazing work on yourself!!!!
I definitely think more info on intuitive eating, food choices to develop love of self and food. In my own recovery journey I have tried to ignore any meal plans or dietary advice because I have found that I manipulate it to comply with my ED restrictive tendencies. For example, I was told what units of what food types per day fruit, veg, meat, carbs etc. are required for adequate nutrition and my ED twisted it and I didn’t eat a single thing more than that like no butter or oil or salt, everything was “clean” or in it’s simplest form because of my fear of weight gain due to extra ingredients = extra calories . I think there should be more of a discussion of thoughts and approaches to develop intuition which you can harness for the rest of your life, as normal life doesn’t follow a plan and requires intuition and can be challenging. It can be the most trying when it is an average day and you are busy with activities which can be when the little ED voice surfaces in your subconscious with you unaware, because you may have had other things on your mind and hadn’t reminded yourself not to fret over eating a fried chicken schnitzel sandwich for lunch instead of a grilled chicken and salad. So I think discussions to encourage and positively reassure one’s intuition to develop a trusting and happy relationship with it and therefore a healthy relationship with yourself with food.
I definitely second what you are saying. I have seen how I manipulate things with the meal plan and yearn for the ability to intuitively eat. However, like many when I do try to convert to an intuitive eating approach my weight slips. I always think that I have the exchange/meal plan mindset in the back of my head, which at times seems like another ED voice.
Oh my Gosh Grace! Thank you for sharing this! That is exactly how I slipped last time. My intention in studying nutrition was to learn thoroughly how to eat and take care of my body after years of disordered eating. I felt it was my only solution when no treatment was available to me, or most certainly the cost of registered dietitians was not feasible. I took a student loan and took a university course, “understanding nutrition.” A year and a half later I realized how disordered my eating still was despite having become super informed on the facts of nutrition, the science behind eating. It is amazing how ED can completely misconstrue information, and twist everything out of perspective. The scary thing is that I was so confused because I knew for a fact that I was actually managing to maintain pretty adequate nutrition (although who know in time, that may have changed because obviously it takes a while to become deficient in certain aspects), and I was eating so much in volume, but losing a lot of weight, but was in total denial about it because I could prove on paper just how much I was eating. If you can believe it, I learned food so well that i could manipulate my intake to the point where I could eat more than many people I knew, and be in total denial about the fact that I was definitely restricting in similar ways that you mention (eating food in it’s natural form, not including anything “man” made, processed etc, not cooking in fat but in broth etc) never eating more meat than the minimum portions required in the food guide etc even though I was super active at the time. It’s so confusing to come out of this and try to eat intuitively. I definitely struggle with taking on meal plans because it’s almost like I automatically rebel against it in fear of being taken by ED again (falling into being a slave to anorexia). I guess in someway meal plans triggers an automatic response to rebel against it because it’s too similar of a feeling of the rules set by anorexia which I was a slave to for many years, if that makes sense? I like Lauren what you said about set times though, and being fluid with it in this way, finding sort of a middle ground. Structured to help with confusing hunger signals (or absence of) and to ensure fueling the body adequately throughout the day, while eliminating the sense of restricting in any way. It’s hard
I would like to know more about intuitive eating… anorexia purging sub-type is what I started with, but it has morphed to many different combination of ED behaviors because it was not treated properly to begin with. I still sometimes eat like with the feeling that it will be my last meal because the anorexia will take over. It’s like physiologically I am healthy and satisfied so I don’t binge anymore because I’m starving but i guess it takes time to re-wire your brain which has eaten with the restrictive mind set for so many years- more so, eating has meant rebelling against it for so many years. Though there is not that to rebel against anymore, it’s like I must remind myself, “I can have this anytime, I am not hungry, I am not starving anymore, I am allowed, I’m not trying to lose weight.” any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. Any tips!
Hi Al, I’m so glad you enjoyed reading my comment! Makes me feel warm and fuzzy that I am able to help.
I was exactly the same as you. I actually was eating big volumes to the eye, but as little calories as possible and I was exercising a hell of a lot. When I told my parents that I had a eating disorder my Dad was like “What!? No you don’t!” because they saw me eat.
I don’t know what stage you are at now, Al, but I will say a few things to hopefully offer some advice.
I would say I’m fully in remission now, I haven’t restricted to avoid gaining weight in about 4 months. I still second guess myself though, whether I’m eating too much so I guess i’m still not comfortable eating all the time because there is still insecurity and anxiety, like I have increased by dress size from an XX to a XX in which I struggled with at the beginning until I got awesome new clothes:) I definitely went through the extreme, extreme hunger phase over the first two weeks, and am still way hungrier than normal 4 months in. And because my metabolism isn’t back to normal, I either don’t feel like eating at all or I feel starving! No in-between or moderate hunger really. It’s not too dissimilar to when I was starving myself, because now, if I don’t eat pretty much straight away when I feel the first sign of hunger then I get really low on energy, weak, and sometimes dizzy. It’s tough going because, for example, I went to a 5 day festival so food wasn’t as easily accessible and I was starving pretty much the whole time therefore had no energy and I felt like a bit of a downer compared to everyone else who had bundles of energy and excitement. My hunger signals are still not completely in tune, like if for some reason I have not eaten when I should have, my hunger might be severe then will cut out and not be there like it should, as if it’s gone into the survival mode like before when I was restricting. I find that I getting a headache or sore eyes is a hunger cue. These things you will learn as you become much more in-tune with your body and what it needs.
So anyway some diet/nutrition advice that I was given which is way better than thinking of your diet in terms of units of food required for adequate nutrition:
I went to a dietician that specialises in eating disorders and low FODMAP diets where I live in Melbourne, Australia and am very lucky to have that here. I suffer from Fructose Malabsorption so have some dietry considerations/limitations due to that.
This info applies to all though – My dietician told me to eat every 3 hours no matter what, and for lunch and dinner, aim for half a plate of veggies, a quarter of a plate of carbs, and a quarter of a plate of protein.
This is so much better because it does not specify an amount of food, doesn’t tell you the number of servings of something you should have in a day, and therefore it encourages you to listen to your body and eat whatever quantity you feel like according to hunger. And variety is the key. When I started to eat more I was eating a lot of the same things because I still wasn’t relaxed with eating so was still restricting to a certain extent, but she gave me some ideas of different snacks and meals so that helped a lot. But for a few weeks I still felt really anxious when I ate things which are considered unnecessary for the body for example chips and chocolate. Instead of having a normal approach to these ‘sometimes’ foods, and eating them sometimes like a normal person, I felt terrible after eating them because I was still so caught up with eating a “perfect” diet, and I was thinking this because I needed it especially because my body needed to repair the damage I had done and if it was imperfect that meant a prolonged recovery and having to wait longer till my energy levels, skin condition etc was back to normal.
But now, I am very relaxed with what I have. I still try to eat as many veggies as possible in my lunches and dinners, I don’t worry about measuring the half a plate of veggies, a quarter of carbs etc because that seems like very ED behaviour, but the huge turning point is that I know now that even if I don’t have a “perfect” diet, if I eat too many carbs and not enough veggies, or have too much chocolate one week, it doesn’t really matter and I will be just fine! I can manage! Even though I am not quite right, still get low on energy, life can go on!!! I think once I begun to let go with trying to be perfect my life has become so much better, more positive, and less anxious.
This is pretty much an essay, I hope it’s worth reading though.
Good luck!
Thanks SO MUCH for replying to my essay with an essay of your own!
means so much to me. I was really struggling, in fact I had a slip and was feeling down when I opened my email and was thrilled to read something inspiring. Thank you for sharing a part of your recovery that has helped you become what seems like quite free around eating. To further follow up on your post and mine, I have been staying mindful of thoughts processes before/after forms of slips, and they are no doubt, very closely tied with deciding that successful recovery means starting on a meal plan. IT REMINDS ME OF FEELING LIKE I NEED TO FOLLOW ANOREXIA’S IDEA OF EATING, AND I REBEL IMMEDIATELY FEELING COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL, and rebel against it. It’s really really weird. None the less, I remain torn, because I have heard, that sticking to a meal plan, eliminates symptoms, and allows for the emotional stuff that needs to be dealt with to come through. This is the part that gets me, is that I feel like no matter what approach I try, it becomes an obsession of my mind that I can’t break free from. Whether it’s recovering from it, or trying a new approach, etc. even trying to eat intuitively without any “plan” becomes what I think about most… day to day, hour to hour trying to pay attention to my body. Lately, I am vacant when it comes to other thoughts about myself and my life. It’s a rough spot to be in, feeling 100% sure you want life without ED, resisting engaging in disordered behavior most of the time, all the while feeling like it’s consuming just the same amount of head space, if not more (feels like more because I’m awake and conscious of these thoughts, and fighting them, instead of simply including them as part of my life.) I think I am at a point where I can trust my food choices and body. Believe it or not, I’m at a point where I often feel like tracking food/following a meal plan because I don’t trust that MY VOICE is stronger than my ED voice, and I’m worried I will eat too little and slip back in. That’s progress I guess!! I’m scared to slip and go through this all over again. Of course, there is still a tad, like you said yourself, that becomes a little more tense about food apart of what you called the “perfect diet”. I’ve been so close to just letting go of tracking, and following plans, because at the end of the day, it doesn’t go hand in hand with eating intuitively. Like you, I believe that key component is not judging food choices we make, and almost having a blind faith that “i will be okay, it’s okay” no matter what! if it leads to over eating well, that’s really progress in some ways, isn’t it? and if it leads to a slip, we can pick ourselves up. I”m just realizing as I write this, that moving forward with a piece of this eating part in recovery is simply fear of slipping, and all the what ifs I’ve decided to tell myself. Mean while, I keep trying to follow what I “should” according to other peoples’ recoveries, and it’s making me engage in disordered patterns anyway!!! Grace, thank you so much. Thanks to this discussion I will try your approach instead of continuing to track and attempt meal plans. I’ll be thinking about it too when I feel in a panic about a choice I did or didn’t make. I am healthy today, and maintain a healthy weight, and if I use the rule of thumb “everything is allowed” then I will be able to catch myself if I’m intentionally resisting certain foods at certain times, or ignoring my cues either way. Good luck to you, stay strong!!!
Hi again Al, I’m so glad to hear of your progress. You must be so proud of yourself for coming this far! By reading what you’re saying, I feel as though you are so ready to rid yourself of restriction completely, there’s just a tiny blimp that’s holding you back. I believe you can do it! I am INLOVE with my life now, I feel so mentally strong and confident that I am able to beat the ED voice. Join the club it’s amazing! I was and sometimes still am very similar to you in what you say about it being an obsession, taking up all your thoughts. I was obsessed with food when I was restricting, and also in the first stages of my recovery; I hardly left the house and did nothing for weeks because I was so focused on eating due to the extreme hunger. I was worried of not being able to give what my body wants if food wasn’t accessible or I was in a situation where I felt uncomfortable eating in large quantities. This really got me down because I felt like nothing had changed and I was still trapped and suffocated by the eating disorder. But let me tell you it definitely passes!! You will become comfortable with yourself and you will eat and do whatever you want, and you will get better at eating naturally and intuitively. Be patient with yourself, you will get there if you give it time and energy. Keep reminding yourself every good thing you do is a step towards freedom. Just take time to focus on the food and think about all the wonderful things it is doing, all the health benefits, like I now feel truly amazing and healthy compared to before, I can now walk around without getting dizzy, I can now wear foundation because my skin isn’t dry and flaky, I can now concentrate and learn in my studies and be involved in conversations with friends. The health benefits are the main things that I remind myself of to prevent myself from slipping back to a life of restriction. Even if you decide not to eat something it’s not the end of the world. At times when I don’t know whether I should eat or not, if I choose not to then a little bit of time later my hunger grows stronger so I know for sure what my body is asking for and I feed it and it reminds me trust it. And of course even if you eat something that maybe you shouldn’t have, don’t even think that way because every bit of food is great!! Learn to love it! Even junk food which is seen as unhealthy! But any food for you is healthy!! You deserve to free of anxiety. The main point is learning to love yourself and accept yourself no matter what you eat. What you eat does not depict who you are. And now I will finish on something that my best friend said to me which really hit a nerve and is something that I say to myself all the time. She said “do you love me for my size or for the person I am?”. Good luck Al, you can do it!
Dear Grace!! Thank you once again for a warm, heart-felt response. Your enthusiasm and progress in recovery just beams through and I hope you are proud too! Since we have last spoken, I have stopped tracking food intake completely. It has created a shift in my recovery. Sure, I’ve over-eaten on occasion and encountered a slip here and there, but I’m realizing how much the WAY I respond to these slips decides if I pick myself back up, or get caught up in the cycle. I am having more and more days where I actually go into an old pattern of thinking and try to remember what I’ve eaten and I CAN’T!!!! woohoo!! I mean obviously I could if i sat down and really tried to remember but I used to be able to remember a week’s full of food intake in a second! It is so liberating.
I’m scared about a new path in life, but I’m excited to embark on it fully, toward what I want and love, without ED.
AND TO GRACE AND ALL WHO ARE POSTING HERE AND BROWSING THROUGH THE SITE.
I want to share a very important step that I have experienced in recovery. We all know that an eating disorder is a coping mechanism. We also know however that ED consumes us immediately to help us run from what is truly going on inside of us that isn’t obvious but is weighing down on us. Once we are stuck in the obsession it feels like there is no getting out and feeling powerless over the impulsive behaviours associated with whichever form we suffer from.
For the first time ever, I’ve managed to figure out the CULPRIT. I figured out what in my life was making me unhappy, and the true reason behind why I fell into the obsession again, which, extends to obsessing about RECOVERY from it to the point where I started to wait to be recovered to start living my life. I read many of the posts, including some of the ones I posted before making this discovery and I’ve realized, that obsessing about meal plans throughout recovery is just the same as obsessing about food without recovery. It means ED is still active and we have to find a reason why. Easier said than done, RIGHT? YES! But when you do, when you keep searching, and when you manage to get a few weeks without engaging in symptoms IT COMES THROUGH AND YOU CAN’T TURN AWAY FROM IT BECAUSE THE HEART IS SCREAMING THE ANSWER TO YOU.
I have broken up with my boyfriend. I remained very confused with my decision for many months. ED likes to stay alive by tricking us that we are the reason, that he is the reason that we are unhappy, and that if we just recover from him, everything that is in our life, will fix itself. NOPE. We keep it alive because we’ve learned to deal with pain and other emotions and things in our life that are scary, by listening to ED. When we engage in any way, we keep running further and further from the truth in our life that makes us want to turn to ED in order not to deal with it.
It’s one of those things we are told in recovery, but which truly we can’t understand or know how to go about it until we keep trying hard enough abstain from engaging in symptoms until we finally face the fear of facing what is going on inside that we feel will be too unpleasant to bear.
I want to share this with everyone on here, because it has created a major shift, and today I have found gratitude for having what now feels like a tool…an instant red flag to try and figure out what is going on in my life immediately following onset of symptoms.
For months, geeze, perhaps even the last year, I was obsessed with ED and all the recovery stuff that goes along with it to the point of analyzing ED history and figuring out when ED was worse, at what times in my life, how I was eating before how I am eating, comparing ED now to the past etc. And I was blaming ED for my lack of intimacy in my relationship.
I was telling myself that I can’t be open with the man I love because of ED. I was looking back and actually remembering Ed as being worse than it was at certain times in my life, to justify why I was feeling the way I was about my boyfriend and aspects of our relationship. I would think, “well obviously I can’t be in a relationship with someone or be intimate if I look in the mirror and feel UGLY and FAT. How can I feel free with the man I love if ED is by my side day and night.” It could have been possible that other aspects of my life were activating ED and making me obsessed with everything about it including recovery, which obviously yes then it could have indirectly poisoned my relationship as well, BUT in my case, this wasn’t the truth. I became really fearful that ED was going to ruin my relationship, when in fact, my relationship was activating ED. Well, to clarify, the feelings that were coming up within my relationship were being devalued by both myself and my boyfriend, because I have an eating disorder.
Though I obviously have to be careful now, because break ups are hard, and sad and come with a long-winded list of emotions, I don’t want to label them as NEGATIVE, I just want to deal with them, whatever they are, without ED. I know I’m vulnerable right now, but knowing that I want to be healthy and love myself and be good to myself no matter what happens in life, I won’t let this regress my recovery, and truly feel that for the most part, it will progress it, because well, I faced the truth, as hard as it was to find in the first place.
I am a healthy weight, I know enough about nutrition to consciously make choices that will help me live well, and I want to be free from ED, and I’m too aware of what I’m doing when I engage in these symptoms to let ED take me again.
I am empowered to share this with all of you, and before I end, want to make sure I am not underestimating the importance of restoring your body to physiological health, which makes it much easier to remain symptom free and avoid getting caught up in the vicious cycle which keeps ED alive. And again, therefore, further away from dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with underneath.
Ed is tricky tricky tricky. He can disguise your actions as recovery too….What I’ve realized, is that I’ve been trapped in ED and the ideal way to recover, and in the world of eating disorders and so focused on support groups, learning about food, and keeping track, or not, and going back and fourth and so focused on food intake and fearful all of a sudden even sometimes that I wasn’t eating ENOUGH. Even though I had restored myself to good health on a physical level. I was just running, running from the truth to the point where I was waiting to discover something that happened in my childhood that I couldn’t remember that may trigger ED. I’m pretty certain I know the pain of my past, and I’m pretty certain quite frankly that many of my life choices in the last many many years that kept me off and on ed consistently, were simply not aligned with what I truly wanted, what I truly want and value. I was waiting to be recovered from Ed, to start my life truly. But I couldn’t because I was held back by aspects that were hindering my liveliness and happiness. Today I have reached a point in recovery where I am empowered by having consciously found the culprit that was triggering symptoms this time around, and hope I always remember that the minute I get a symptom, I’m running from something. And the longer I wait to find out, turning to Ed, the harder it will be to break up with him. I know, easier said than done and I’m so new to this part of recovery too, and I know I had to take all the steps I did, to get to this point. It’s hard when it’s kind of trial and error. But to finish, if you’re not feeling more and more liberated by recovery the more you recover- perhaps you haven’t tapped into why, which has nothing to do with food intake and thoughts about it or any other symptoms. I wish you all strength to face whatever it is in your lives that may be keeping you obsessed with a really really toxic relationship with ED in any way.
I love you two!!!! Grace and Al, I am going through the same issues right now… I am 16 and have had disordered eating for a few years without admitting it to myself- I always passed it off as “being healthy” and never really got it until last year. It has definitely been a struggle- I’ll eat lots of good foods and do everything right, and then spoil it by stressing out over the “fatty” parts of my meals. I have no self-esteem either; I realized I’ve never really loved myself, so that’s a big issue too… but I don’t know how to fix that. How do you teach yourself love if you don’t love yourself in the first place??
I also just learned that my mom was extremely anorexic as a teen. She insists she is done with it now, but I’m not so sure… She is watching what I eat, though, and I think she senses my trends and is trying to keep me from going down the same path that she did. It’s hard though too, because I feel angry that she’s being so hypocritical and hasn’t healed herself yet… but then I feel guilty… and then I resolve to heal and eat more… and then I stress out over what I ate, she makes me eat more and the cycle restarts. It’s a big factor.
This is way longer than it was supposed to be, but it feels good to let it out. You all are the first people I’ve opened up to about this.
Thank you and God bless and be strong!!! I will pray for you and everyone on this site!!!
I would like to learn how to eat normal foods and not feel bad about it. I just want to be free from the guilt and also know how to gauge my portions so I don’t over or undereat. I think that a meal plan will feel too much like a diet/strict rules to follow.
Hi! I have been dieting, restricting and binging for 18 years & completely lost perception of portions, fullness, hunger, etc… I’m on recovery but struggling but feel stuck with meal plan, choices, etc… Any help, anything related to food can help, really! Thank u! Xx
Hi Emanuela and welcome!! I am so glad you are here. You can start by checking out other sections of my site here: http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/newsite/everything-you-need-to-know-about-meal-planning/
http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/newsite/estimating-portion-sizes/
http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/newsite/sample-meal-plans-for-eating-disorders/
http://healingforeatingdisorders.com/newsite/meal-plan-exchanges/
If you have questions you can post in the comments there or send me an email, if you need more one on one help I offer coaching packages and an ecourse and community for creating a solid support system in your recovery!!!
I am so proud of you for getting into recovery and choosing to take care of and love yourself!!! I am here for you if you need me.
xox Lauren
I’m not sure… A meal plan would be nice because I’m not always sure what amounts are normal, but I’m pretty spontaneous in what I eat so I think it would be hard for me to stick to a plan. I would like to try intuitive eating, because I often find it hard to stop eating after I’m full. I want to learn to eat when I’m hungry and stop eating when I’m full, not continuing into a binge.
I can’t see how I can ever be free from the “limiting ” eating pattern – I see an eating plan as still being a form of limiting and would just love to have a healthy relationship with food and not have to purge after forbidden or “unsafe” foods have been eaten……
Intuitive eating (vegeterian) would be good. I have been strict and very structured and am now more relaxed. I have seen a few Dieticians over time, which helped me expand my food choices since I have been in recovery. I am putting on weight slowly. I tell myself, Progress not perfection these days!
Absolutely! Thanks Kim for your reply!! I am glad that you are expanding your food choices and I too believe that recovery is done with each small baby step we take, one day at a time. The most important thing is simply to continue to move forward and when you feel stuck, reach out!! My general rule with the meal plans and food choices is to try at least one new thing a week. That way it keeps you in the habit of getting out of your comfort zone while also still feeling comfortable with the plan each week. Keep up the amazing work, Kim, I am so proud of you for staying on the path!!!
I really want a structured meal plan, with calories calculated so that I know what I’m eating. Which is why sometimes I end up relapsing because I just feel like I want to go inpatient so they will decide what I eat! Is this normal because I feel extremely selfish for wanting TRUE help by going inpatient instead of my family and the ed outpatient telling me to “just eat” and “just gain weight” and they don’t know anything about calories… I don’t know what to do?
The thing I struggle with when using a meal plan is that I still find my self having many OCD thoughts about the “exchanges” and then what type of food I can eat per exchange to remain healthy. Ex: carb exchange, do I use dairy, grains, or fruit. In a way I have found a way to use the food plan against my recovery as certain types of food have been “bad” in my mind.
I know the exchange system can be used 2 ways, one that doesn’t necessarily use fats as a category and one that does. I also know there is a meal plan that uses a group called “fun foods/desserts” I have never used this format. I just need something that doesn’t make me turn to OCD thinking about exchanges etc. It is so depressing and frustrating for me. I want to be an intuitive eater but scared to let go and at the same time cannot wait to let go of the counting/exchanges.
Jackie, I am right there with you! I am currently doing a meal plan but am really excited to let go of all anxiety and just eat 100% intuitively. My problem is that when I am not doing a meal plan, I stress whether I am eating too much or not enough. I don’t always have great hunger cues so it’s still hard for me to eat intuitively.
I am going through the same issues right now… I am 16 and have had disordered eating for a few years without admitting it to myself- I always passed it off as “being healthy” and never really got it until last year. It has definitely been a struggle- I’ll eat lots of good foods and do everything right, and then spoil it by stressing out over the “fatty” parts of my meals. I have no self-esteem either; I realized I’ve never really loved myself, so that’s a big issue too… but I don’t know how to fix that. How do you teach yourself love if you don’t love yourself in the first place??
I also just learned that my mom was extremely anorexic as a teen. She insists she is done with it now, but I’m not so sure… She is watching what I eat, though, and I think she senses my trends and is trying to keep me from going down the same path that she did. It’s hard though too, because I feel angry that she’s being so hypocritical and hasn’t healed herself yet… but then I feel guilty… and then I resolve to heal and eat more… and then I stress out over what I ate, she makes me eat more and the cycle restarts. It’s a big factor.
This is way longer than it was supposed to be, but it feels good to let it out. You all are the first people I’ve opened up to about this.
Thank you and God bless and be strong!!! I will pray for you and everyone on this site!!!