Here is an eating disorder recovery poem that I would like to share. I wrote this towards the beginning of my recovery when I was in an inpatient residential treatment center. I feel that it is important to share this eating disorder writing with you so that you can know that you are not alone. I’ve been where you are, scared and feeling out of control. It is a terrifying feeling when recovering from an eating disorder to feel as if there is no hope, like you’ll never get through it. It’s different than a drug addiction; they can simply abstain from the drug. Recovering eating disorder patients must eat to live- we must face food every single day and so sometimes it can feel overwhelming when faced with your treatment plan, meal plan, and trying to deal with relationships, work, school, and all the stresses of life. This eating disorder poem goes out to all of you who are still struggling, you are not alone.
The Awakening
Searching for answers in a quiet desert storm
Rays of heat scorching down
No shade to be found.
Once filled with flowing rivers
Abundant life and pretty flowers
Now is desolate, dried up, dead.
Those winds of sand hug me like a blanket
Surrounding me, blurring my vision
The air is hot, I’m gasping for breath
The winds lull me into a sweet slumber
Whirling around in this itchy sand blanket
The silence is deafening, blowing me over
The wind picks up, my feet leave the ground
Spinning in the sun’s rays
My skin blisters
Open sores begin bleeding, burning
I lift my face
Look into the sun
It’s painful, intolerable yet I can’t look away
This sand storm tornado pulls me higher
This whirlwind leaves me confused, dreaming
Angels reaching down
I’m so close
Comfort, relief is just within reach
My face is crackling, I’m inches from the sun
This wicked twister shoots sand into my eyes
Stinging my eyelids, blinding me
Darkness should come yet the light is blinding
I feel a presence, A hand grabs my wrist
Nails sink into my virgin skin
Scratching and yanking my heavy body
They want me
Grains of sand infect my wounds
It keeps pulling, slashing me
As painful as it is I can’t give in
Hands reaching from all directions
Poking, prodding, piercing my skin
Tearing my garments, exposing me to the wind
I’m gashed and bloody, wounded and weary
When suddenly the storm calms, winds subside
The arms that were once violating my silken skin release me
I’m flying, flailing, falling.
Face down I land in the sand
Blistered and bloodied, weak and alone
I sit up in agony, a tear rolls down my cheek
I’m crying, cleansing.
I open my eyes and everything’s clear
What was once a desert is now a beach
and I’m sitting by the ocean’s edge
I sit for hours watching the blazing sun set
Golden, brillant, miraculous.
A tear rolls down my cheek
I’m crying, remembering.
What was once an ugly and barren desert
is now beautiful, peaceful, serene.
I find comfort in the crashing waves, the cries of seagulls
Palm trees swaying in the breeze
As I gaze out to the horizon and the setting sun
I find myself asking, is this heaven?
No, God answers.
You just had to find it yourself.
~11-11-06~
Peace, Love + Freedom,
