What does it mean to face your fears, to let go and truly surrender?

I’ve been struggling with this – again – as I have many times in my recovery from bulimia.

Ever since I began my bulimia recovery, I have viewed the world as a process.  Life is a test and we are to endure the lessons put into our paths.  Not only endure, but to learn, to grow, to release, and ultimately change.

Every lesson brings forth more change.  More stretching, more growing.  I’ve released MUCH of my past – however, more is being revealed to me that needs releasing.

It is a process of seeking out the darkness and shining light on it for all to see.  It humbles me when I ponder the nature of what needs to be released.  It feels uncomfortable, distant yet so close to home.  It is holding me back – a block in need of clearing.

Before my recovery for bulimia, everything was a block.  I was held back by everything surrounding me in my life and it felt like I needed to escape.  I pierced the fabric of my life and it rippled through to all aspects of myself.  I burst through a giant block – I DID have a voice, and it spoke:  I needed help for bulimia.  I needed help for my depression.  I was weak, I needed support.  My eating disorder poems revealed I had a deeper purpose, a deeper meaning to my life which was not being fulfilled.

I began treatment for bulimia which was not at all as I expected.  Recovery for bulimia and depression is painful and difficult.  It exposes all the parts of myself that I wished I could have kept hidden.  I locked them deep down inside of myself and half the battle is in finding the key.

My recovery for bulimia has been a tremendously trying process, one that continues to evolve even after being “recovered” from an eating disorder.  Yes, I haven’t had any eating disorder behaviors, urges, or eating disorder thoughts, but that doesn’t mean that I’m done with my recovery.  In fact, it means I HAVE to continue on growing and changing, or I will go backwards.  Life is continuous change and I’ve found if I’m not going forwards I’m certainly going back.

So now I’m facing the darkness within and being pushed to release it to the surface to clear and clean and expose it to the light.  My bulimia recovery has been sitting in journals, waiting to be discovered for years.  I’ve written in them throughout treatment for bulimia and have put them aside.  I didn’t want to go back and read them so that I wouldn’t have to re-live the pain, the struggles of my bulimia recovery.  Of facing the demons, the fears, the attachments of this life.

My bulimia recovery journals represent parts of me that I couldn’t express any other way.  Writing was a way of processing everything that I was going through when it didn’t seem I had anyone else to talk to.  Before I got help for bulimia it was the only way I could process and somewhat understand what I was going through.

So now my process is to shine light on the bulimia disorder, the depression, the fears and all its dysfunction.  I’m here to clear these blocks and go through the fear associated with it.  My recovery for bulimia involved much acceptance of my fears by feeling the fear and going through it anyways.

Now I face it again.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Uncomfortable-ness.

What will they think?

I’m scared.

I’m okay with that.

I’m learning that I can help others by sharing my experience.

I want to help you through this pain, the suffering, the confusion.

I want you to know that you are not alone and I most certainly know what you’re going through.

I want you to read my bulimia recovery story and know that there is hope.  I must share my experience, my inner writings, thoughts and feelings because I know that you are going through the same.

It seemed when I was going through it that I was crazy.

Now I know the truth.

Know that you are not alone in this process of recovering from bulimia.

So how do you face the fear, let go and surrender?

By simply allowing it to be.

Allowing yourself to go through the process.  Of knowing that it might be difficult but knowing it is for the best.

Your bulimia recovery is for the highest good of yourself, your happiness, your life.

Me?  I’m letting go.  Of it all.  Intimate, real.

(Warning: could be triggering) Day Two of My recovery for bulimia process.

Peace, Love + Freedom,