Raw Ramblings of My Recovery for Bulimia.

Day Four

Here are two poems I wrote while I was in in an inpatient treatment for bulimia recovery center.  The first one is titled Lights Camera Action and relates the eating disorder to a play or movie.  The second one expresses what it really feels like to have an eating disorder and the inner struggles we go through…

Enjoy and please let me know your thoughts on them!

November 10, 2006

 

Lights Camera Action

The show is starting

Perfection is key to

success in this show

The Director demands

Nothing less.

Actors blind to the

finale of their performance

The Director doesn’t give a shit.

Keeps on pushing, pressure building

rising inside

Each act is played out,

one self destructive behavior

after another.

Perfection is the title and

tall, thin and beautiful is the theme.

Plastic surgery is the new

refreshment.

Bulimia is the play

and everyone is watching

Will she screw up?

She’ll never be good enough,

skinny enough,

or pretty enough.

Disaster.

the show bombs and

takes the actors down with it.

Eating disorders

emulate from the director

and are swallowed down

by each and every one.

Infecting their soul

stealing their beauty, their

entire being.

Is the show over?

close the curtain

Its stuck – Help!

the show never ends.

I wish the Director would die.

…

Someday it will come

I can feel the breeze

I will break free from these chains

Drop everything

and fly

I can hear it whispering

Taunting me

Its just beyond my reach

The darkness holds me back

Paralyzed, frozen still

I want to be free

yet these ropes bound

Round my wrists and ankles hold me back

These open wounds bleed

for you

Doctor fix me up

Nope, he says, ‘It’s all about you.’

I’m all alone

Darkness fills my cup

Its there I know it

Do I want it

these chains are breaking my soul

but the memories are burning

fire, scorching.

Leaving a path of ashes

Grey. Nothingness.

Do we rebuild?

They tell me its a choice.

Even if I’m released

The wounds are open

shouting my disease

Chaos.

But through the rubble

I hear the whispers again

On one condition I hear

silently. speaking

Surrender – Give it all up.

Enticing, enchanting offer

She makes it sound so easy

Holding on is my only chance

She tells me I’ll be happy

Illusions are convincing

Reality is frightening

The whispers get louder

A Glimpse of happiness

just beyond my reach

Someday I’ll get there

I’ll feel the breeze

break free from these chains

Drop everything

and fly

And happiness will appear

Someday.

Peace, Love + Freedom,