When I began my eating disorder recovery, I realized that I didn’t really know what a “healthy” relationship was.
I didn’t know how to create boundaries within my relationships or ask for what I really needed.
I was afraid of intimacy and extremely uncomfortable with my body (so of course I didn’t want anyone to touch it)!
I was afraid of opening up for fear of being hurt. Or rejected. Again.
Obviously, our recovery for bulimia, anorexia, binge eating or ednos includes healing our relationship with food, BUT at the same time we also need to examine our relationships with ourselves and with other people.
It seems so long ago – before my eating disorder recovery – I was plagued by my relationships with men past.
I was a serial dater! I had steady boyfriends through high school and college, yet I stayed and fought in relationships that were not healthy for me. I’ve been in toxic relationships with controlling men, men that have cheated on me, and men that had broken my heart.
None of these relationships were ultimately satisfying and they left me feeling depressed, alone, and broken. It’s almost as if I expected that I would be happy if I could just find the right person. I felt like a victim – playing the blame game – but at the same time thinking, ‘What the heck is wrong with me?!?!’
I found out in my recovery for bulimia that the problem was me! I kept getting into relationships that were unhealthy for me but I didn’t understand why I kept attracting the same types of guys. I became this co-dependent person in the relationship. The thrill of a new relationship, a new love would have me happy – for a small time, until the excitement wore off and I was still the same old person. Still self-conscious, still no self-esteem and still didn’t feel like I was worthy of that kind of unconditional love.
Tina Tessina, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, California explains co-dependency like this,
“Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself,” she tells WebMD. “It’s kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn’t sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that’s what it is. It means you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not,” Tessina says.
In my recovery for bulimia, I realized that I was so c0-dependent with other men and I hadn’t learned how to properly have a relationship with myself, let alone another person!
Relationships are tricky in eating disorder recovery because as we change, those relationships might have to change. I wanted to wait until I was ready to have a loving healthy relationship, when I could be intimate and close without the eating disorder getting in between us.
I finally realized… I wasn’t happy with myself, so how could I be happy with someone else?
But I did know what I wanted!
I knew that I deserved more from a relationship; I wanted to have that great love and get married and have a wonderful happy content life together. Not that anyone needs that to be happy, that’s just always what I wanted in my life.
I wanted to be complete in myself yet also have someone to share my life with.
So I wrote a poem about what I wanted from a man when I was in treatment for bulimia which I would like to share with you.
It’s about what I wanted in a relationship – without needing the relationship or being co-dependent.
What would be fulfilling, healthy, and exactly what I needed – when I was healthy, of course.
My idea of the perfect man.
Enjoy,
December 6, 2006
From now on,
I’m saving myself for a Real Man.
A man who is honest, kind and caring.
A man who is supportive
who lets me be myself.
A man who know what he wants
and isn’t afraid to get it.
A man who can love me deeply and dearly
who can give his whole heart to me.
A man who I know will be faithful to me
who respects me and my opinion.
A man who I can trust with the deepest,
darkest secrets of my soul.
A man who is smart and charming
who can always make me laugh.
A man who dreams and
who can dream with me.
A handsome man who attracts my eye when he walks in the room
and who can give all his attention to me.
A man who gives lots of hugs
and when he does can make me feel all my cares
disappear when I’m safe in his arms.
A man who isn’t afraid to cry
and feel his feelings.
A man who will be there for me
every step of the way.
A man who understands my spirituality
and can deepen my understanding.
A man who can have intellectual conversations yet
who can still have a great sense of humor.
A man who doesn’t need me to complete him
and vice versa.
Who is this man?
I don’t know, he’s out there.
I just haven’t met him yet.
And then this is the best part…
After I wrote this poem back in late 2006, I closed this journal and it was packed away. I laughed as I read this poem a few days ago because I had actually forgotten all about it, forgotten that I had ever written it.
As I read it aloud to my husband a few nights ago, smiling, I read the last line – looked at him and said,
“I finally found you!”
I can’t believe it actually came true.
I knew he was out there. I was waiting for him. I always tell him that I’m happy I found him. He says the same. 🙂
He really is everything on the list that I wrote before I ever met him. It blows me away to read this today and think I actually married a man that has so many of the qualities that I wanted in a man.
Over the years we have we have grown as individuals, grown together, and because of my eating disorder recovery, our love has blossomed and grown deeper.
My husband has been my biggest support in my recovery for bulimia, anorexia, and depression, but it’s been in a healthy way. I don’t need him to complete me like I needed those others to be.
I think the most important thing is that he has allowed me to be myself and helped me understand that I am worthy. That I am beautiful. That I am deserving of all things good and wonderful!
We have definitely been through our share of difficult times as a couple and we are definitely not perfect, but we have so much love for each other.
You deserve to have whatever kind of relationship you want with a partner. Be open to the possibilities. Write out what you expect in a loving relationship or in a partner. But remember, you need to do the work on yourself first.
If you are in a relationship now or if you are wanting to have a relationship in the future, it doesn’t matter.
If you want to heal the relationships around you in your life, you have to look at yourself and start with YOU.
Once you start making the changes in your eating disorder recovery, your relationships will change. You might lose relationships. People in your life might not want to change and they might even be resistant or angry at you for your eating disorder recovery.
Whatever happens, it’s important to remember that your eating disorder recovery is the most important thing. As your relationship with yourself improves and you learn to love yourself in your recovery, your other relationships will improve too.
Things will definitely change but you must change in order for you to grow. Learn. Growing past co-dependency and learning to trust in yourself and your intuition.
Love truly is all you need and once you can learn how to love yourself in your recovery from eating disorders, you will open the door for new possibilities. You open the door to allow yourself and all relationships to heal and to get what you really want in a relationship.
Which is Love. Connection. Understanding. Trust. Contentment. Happiness. [Etc.]
I’ll leave you with another writing, this one also about my husband.
This was written about the first night I spent out with my hubby when we first met.
August, 2007
Lightning crackles
in the distance
I’m breathing
I feel you
Listening
My heart beats
only for you
The midnight glare
reflecting in your
oceanic eyes
making way
to the depths
of your soul
Time lost
in a moment
a breath
I’m speechless
I can see
all around
beauty is blinding
No need for words
for I can read lips
Peace, Love + Freedom,
