You ever have a dream so big that it felt overwhelming? But that you knew in your heart you are meant to make manifest and create this magic in your life?
I felt like that about my eating disorder for a long time. I just KNEW there was a way that I could break free, but back then it seemed no matter what I did or what I tried, that I was always defeated. It felt so overwhelming to think about how much I needed to heal and change and shift in my life. But as unhappy as I was and as out of control as I felt at times, there was that little part of me that always KNEW deep down in the depths of my soul that I WAS DESTINED FOR MORE.
The eating disorder can be so vicious at times, I remember all of the garbage and limiting beliefs that came up and started YELLING in my ear whenever I dreamt about my dreams of breaking free… “You don’t DESERVE to recover. You’re a piece of shit and are too UNWORTHY to recover and have everything you’re ever wanted.”
And then I would also go around and around in circles stuck in the mindset like, “I want to change but I don’t know HOW to change. How can I change if I can’t even do this for one day? How can I do this if I NEED and WANT to use food in this way SO BADLY? I can’t even think about not engaging in the ED for this WEEK, let alone the REST OF MY LIFE?!? How the FUCK am I supposed to just STOP? I can’t stop, I need it NOW. I’ll feel better afterwards…besides, I’ll just change TOMORROW.”
Also there were some really big parts of me that were totally denial that I even had a problem that was so BAD. I didn’t WANT to ADMIT that it was so BAD that I was OUT OF CONTROL… so I hung on to the fantasy that I could “hold it together” for a bit longer, besides I “wasn’t THAT bad…”
Another HUGE thing that held me back was just straight up plain FEAR. I was TERRIFIED and I will admit that my fear was enough to stop me cold in my tracks. I had NO CLUE what I would do or WHO I WOULD BE without the eating disorder. This was very simply one of the biggest reasons I held on to it for so long.
But something in me stirred and a yearning was bubbling up inside of me that I could no longer ignore…
Instead of being afraid of the FEAR, I started to focus more on my DREAM and what I REALLY WANTED for my life.
It became really important for me to SHIFT into this mindset of GOING AFTER WHAT I DESIRED, rather than simply being motivated to move away from the eating disorder behaviors.
This is REALLY IMPORTANT ladies!!!
Because I KNOW you can spout off a million and one reasons why you DON’T WANT the eating disorder.
What would happen if you started to have to define what you REALLY WANTED INSTEAD?
What is your deepest desire? What is your deepest most compelling dream? What do you desire from the deepest depths of your heart and mind and soul? It doesn’t matter if you *think* you can achieve it yet or not, I want you to dream WITHOUT LIMITS.
If you were truly limitless, what would you be doing? How would you be? What is it that you want to create in your life? What do you want MORE OF in your life?
THESE are the dreams that REALLY MATTER. These are the reasons we go after recovery with all of our hearts and minds and souls.
We go after our dreams because we realize that the EATING DISORDER IS BLOCKING YOU FROM HAVING THEM.
The eating disorder is the biggest killer of dreams, it is the biggest dream-stealer and motherfucker around. It is so cunning, that it actually gets you to BELIEVE that it IS YOU. But I am here to tell you that YOU ARE NOT YOUR EATING DISORDER and you can have ANYTHING you want in your life. You can RECOVER FULLY, I know this to be truth with every cell in my being.
You CAN FUCKING DO THIS, beautiful soul. Your deepest desires become the CATALYST for you to change your life.
Because suddenly you are working for something greater than you.
You can become anything you want to be in this life.
Do you believe in yourself ENOUGH to go after your GREATEST MOST FULFILLING DREAMS?
I know that the biggest BLOCK to going after it is going to be those gut wrenching limiting beliefs that are DISGUISED as TRUTH within your psyche. “You are not good enough to have that. You don’t deserve to have everything you want. You are so unworthy.”
How can you grasp the TRUTH that these are not true??? On the contrary, if you WANT TO RECOVER with all your heart, you are going to HAVE TO start to believe the opposite of these limiting beliefs.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU DESERVE to have all of your dreams come true. You DESERVE health and wealth and happiness and everything your heart desires!!!!
And you are MORE THAN WORTHY.
If you don’t believe these statements, I want to ask you…. WHAT PART OF YOU DOESN’T BELIEVE IT?
THE EATING DISORDER PART.
The question becomes… WHAT PART OF YOU BELIEVES THIS COULD BE TRUE?
Your true AUTHENTIC SELF.
It could be so small you might barely even recognize this voice…
It could be whispering, or it could simply just be an internal knowing that you are worthy and deserving of love. A feeling that there is a part of you– however small– that believes, YES it is POSSIBLE for you too, beautiful soul.
THIS IS WHERE OUR FOCUS SHIFTS TO.
In recovery, we must blindly focus on WHAT WE WANT and put all of our energy and attention on our TRUE AUTHENTIC SELVES– as small and tiny or weak or quiet it seems…. THIS is where your dreams lie. This is WHO YOU REALLY ARE. This is the TRUTH.
I know you can do this.
I know you DESERVE this.
Your task today is to do some journaling on those questions above…. What is your deepest desire? If you were truly limitless, what would you do/be/have?
I know and believe in YOU, beautiful soul. Thank you so much for your presence here. I want you to remember… If you weren’t ready to do this work, then you would not have found me. So praise yourself for being open to the path, and get ready to get going on your dreams!!!!
In light + love,
Great words Lauren!To hell with anorexia.It is just like a chain round one’s ankle to keep you from flying,from abundant dreamfilling life.I will not let it rob any thing else from me,not my time,my energy,my joy ,my passion,what I am on this earth for,to be who God made me to be,not an insipid shadow or replica but a vibrant authentic original!!Thanks Lauren,you started with ‘ F …the NY resolutions'[my sentiments entirely-just feeds into perfectionism]That got my attention in the midst of all the devotional and motivational messages!!That led to your ‘Dream’ article.God used your words to get right to my gut level,something has shifted.Blessings and love,and thanks again,xx
Thanks Kathy for your comment!! I am so grateful you have found me and I love what you said– you are totally meant to embrace your vibrant authentic original self!! I believe one of the first steps in recovery is really to define what it is we are doing this for, why it is really worth it to undertake the hard work of recovery. You are so worth it Kathy, sending much love and healing energy to you!!!!
In light + love,
Lauren
I love you and I love this unapologetic warrior tone you’ve unleashed on the new year. It is empowering to yell and curse. So many of us are meek and polite and plan out every word or go over every conversation certain we have said something stupid or insensitive. We with Eating Disorders are so aware of how others are feeling that we tune out our own just as we tune out feelings of hunger or satiety. My Eating Disorder voice is the only one I got that really gets mad, like ‘Nobody is gonna tell me not to run another 3 miles in the cold snow at 11 pm fuck you all’ This post in enlightening Lauren, a sweet girl from Texas who curses like a sailor but maintains such steady advice. You are an inspiration and a reminder that if you spend all your time trying not to offend others your probably neglecting yourself!
So true Sara!!! Thank you for your comment, I totally agree. It can be very empowering to say FUCK YOU to the eating disorder voice, which takes courage, conviction and boldness to declare for yourself that today you are going down a different path. The path of self love and freedom. Thanks for sharing!!
xoxo Lauren
I don’t even know what I want anymore. I’ve let my ED tell me that I want nothing, including food, relationships, and happiness. I’m scared to want anything for fear of dissapointment and I don’t know how to get in touch with the part of me that wants more than this life.
Hi Jenn,Kathy here.What struck me in your comment was the part where you said you are scared to want anything for fear of disappointment.Sounds like you have suffered in that area,which has caused you to protect yourself,behind the ED,maybe?
Me too,but lets think about it,It doesn’t do a very good job does it?Just find our lives getting narrower and less colourful ‘.Safe’ is not all it’s cracked up to be!It’s a lie anyway as sooner or later health problems arise when we don’t nourish ourselves properly.The lie also poses as a huge mountain as we tend to think in black or white thinking.[didn’t intend pun on colourful!]All or nothing!That would scare anyone.Like a lot of what makes up life,’Recovery’-recovering good stuff, is one step at a time.Hoping for you courage and fun.There is good stuff ahead,Jenn.xx
Thank you Kathy. You are so right, but I’ve found myself so completely paralyzed in fear. I’m currently starting my 6th week, (and what seems like millionth time) at residential treatment. Hoping to get some answers, clarity, and hope. I’m trying so hard to trust the process and trust that a better life is outside the ED. But it’s HARD! so hard. Thank you for you kind words.
That’s an ingienous way of thinking about it.
Hoping for you that you are able to let yourself be ‘carried’ or at least supported by your treatment team at this time.That light and hope will dawn as you take it step by step.Don’t beat yourself up or think about climbing mountains,just cheer yourself on for taking the next one step..Kathy x